Conflicted

I am having such a time of conflicting emotions lately, I decided to sit down and just let it out. So here goes nothing….

In October, with the wonderful news that the spinal tumor had not grown (Praise God), the spine clinic also gave their blessing for us to have another child, if we wanted to. We had been preventing since the miscarriage, of course, since first I had to make it to June (my OB’s orders) and then had to make it through all the hormone tests and MRIs on my back. Over the course of the summer, M and I had talked about if we wanted to try again IF we were given the ok. I think there is just a feeling of someone missing (since there IS) which the kids and even our extended family have expressed, that is just really hard to move past. So we decided that we would leave the option open. The boys have been praying all year – longer than that, even – for another sibling. Now they pray for a “HEALTHY baby girl, or boy”, because I think we are all scared of having our hearts broken again.

Its weird because there have actually been times along this journey this year where I’ve felt like maybe I was just done. Maybe I didn’t have a strong desire to have another child. Maybe I could just leave it be. But then there are other days where the losses weigh heavily and I just want one more shot at a healthy baby. And then there are days where I wake up feeling one way, and go to bed feeling another. Today, for example.

The last few days I’ve been feeling really meh about the whole situation. Like, I’m finally getting some sleep, the kids are at a pretty easy age, I have a lot going on that would be hard to juggle (but I know I would anyway) being pregnant or having a baby, we have a horrible lack of reliable childcare for during a birth or any other possible hospital stay…. the list is really long. Add to that the worries that if I DO get pregnant, I might miscarry again – or have a loss at any point, plus pregnancy is REALLY painful for me at the end (which I finally know is because of the dang tumor) AND I get crippling morning sickness for the first 4-5 months, and just so many more worries and considerations…. its kind of a lot. So, even though we did not prevent the last 2 months, I was kinda like… I don’t know if I want to get a positive test this month… maybe next month but I don’t know.

Then this morning I took the test and it was totally negative and I was like “WHHHHHHYYYYYYY can I not be expecting a Christmas miracle??? I was expecting last Christmas and I STILLLLLLL don’t have a baby in my arms. I was supposed to have given birth last Nov too, and I don’t have that baby either. I should have a 1 year old! I should have a 4 month old baby girl! Whoa is me! Haven’t I suffered enough this year?? Now I have to be on my period during Christmas which is just a cruel reminder that I have lost 2 babies in the last year and a half and here I am, no closer to having a baby in my arms. MY KIDS ARE SO SAD!! THEY’VE BEEN PRAYING SO MUCH! What is wrong with my body? Is there something wrong? Was my uterus damaged from the last miscarriage? Am I infertile again? Is God saying no?” On and on and on….

As you can see, I’m very conflicted. But ultimately, I know if I didn’t give this one last shot, I would regret it. My heart knows that any fear of loss or temporary discomfort cannot outweigh the elation I would feel to deliver a healthy LIVING baby and the blessing of raising another precious person. To have prepared our hearts twice in a row to meet and love another child and then have it ripped away both times… it feels too hard for this to be the end of the story.

This afternoon, while I was shampooing permanent marker off the rug (its still there) I realized that I am just always wanting what I can’t/don’t have. When I’m pregnant, I’m whining about how stressful and painful and hard it is… when I’m not pregnant (but thought I was going to be), I’m whining about how sad and emotional and hard it is. I can’t be satisfied. Nobody knows where this is going to go, only God knows. I don’t know if I have lasting damage from the miscarriage, its certainly possible, It was a very difficult loss. Also, I’m getting older. I’m to the age where the chance of pregnancy declines dramatically. It’s no shock if I don’t get pregnant right away, or at all! It’s just all so hard and conflicting!

Supplements That *Might* Improve Sperm Health

I know that a lot of people stumble across my blog, thanks to google. Many of them are looking for hope and encouragement in their fertility journey. Since infertility will always be a subject close to my heart, I want to get this information out there in case it might be of help to someone. 

When we were trying to improve DH’s sperm count, motility, and morphology, I researched natural ways to help. It seems there is an overwhelming amount of information on the internet for natural supplements, but it’s all scattered around here and there and takes forever to sort through. As I sifted through everything, I compiled this list. 

Keep in mind, I have no medical degree and I certainly am not advising anyone to take this huge pile of supplements. In fact, I can’t even tell you that it will up your count or quality at all. All I know is, whether or not it contributed to the miracle conceptions that God blessed us with, it certainly didn’t hurt. Most of these supplements are good for your general health, regardless and are things DH needs to be on to keep other health issues at bay. So, here goes.

Vitamin C – 1,500mg

Vitamin E – 800iu (I prefer to use the natural version of vitamin E, vs the synthetic)

Zinc – 60mg

B12 – 100mcg (We actually take a b-complex that is methylated for better absorption. I’ll gladly tell you what it’s called if you want to know.)

Selenium – 200mcg

CoQ10 – 100mg

L-Carnitine – not sure of amount

Vitamin A – this was in a multi he was taking at the time, so I’m not sure on the dose of this either

Flax oil and/or Fish oil – 1,200mg 

L-Arginine – 500mg

Vitamin D – 5,000iu

Astaxanthin – 12mg

Obviously, you should check this list over with your dr before taking these things. Particularly if you are on medication as the supplements and meds could interact. I just wanted to put this list our there in case it could help someone else. 

*For reference, DH’s last semen analysis (he’s had many) was 1million, sub par motility and 0% morphology. We have gone on to have 3 successful pregnancies through ivf and spontaneous conception since that test. 🙂 

Zane’s Birth

I’m going to post this without pictures for now because I haven’t uploaded them yet and don’t have time right now, but I’ll try to post them soon.

 

*This is the TMI version of the birth. Blood, amniotic fluid and all. If that disturbs you, I’d recommend skipping this post.*

 

*Birth is usually a beautiful event. It is also a painful and sometimes dramatic event. This birth was mostly calm, but I don’t sugar-coat the pain. Just know that it was all 100% worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing because this is the way that my baby came into my arms and I am so thankful and blessed to have him here.*

 

I have a few spare minutes so I thought I’d try to get the birth story written down. It’s already getting very fuzzy on timelines and details but that’s ok. It was an absolutely beautiful birth. Horribly intense but very short labor. 38 weeks 5 days, the day before I was going to be induced, I spent the day at home with the boys just spending time together, cleaning up the house and getting the last items thrown in the hospital bags. We skipped nap time in favor of an early bedtime. The boys were in bed by 8pm and DH and I went to bed a little before 9. Of course, despite taking Unisom and a natural sleep supplement my sister L gave me, I didn’t fall asleep until after 11 and sleep was very fitful after that. I had to be up at 2:40am to get ready to leave for the hospital, but I woke up a little after 2 with pain in my leg and nervousness running crazy, so I got up around 2:20 and got a shower, curled my hair and had breakfast. We left the house a bit after 3:30 and got to the hospital at about 5am.

 

 

Once we got admitted to our room, the nurse hooked me and baby up to the monitor, asked 20 million questions and tried to start an IV. She couldn’t get it after 2 tries, so she had another nurse come in and get it started. That whole IV process took over half an hour! At that point, she flushed an entire bag of fluid through me and started the pitocin at 2 at about 7am or a little after. She checked me to get a starting point and I was 3cm, 60% effaced and baby was -2 station.

 

 

The contractions started soon after but were very mild, very short and not too frequent. (registering around 50 on the toco monitor)The next set of nurses came on shift right after that. One was in training and had only been there a few days and the other was so young, she couldn’t have been there long herself. They came in every half hour to increase the Pitocin by 2 and check my blood pressure. At 8:59am, I texted my mom to tell her that the contractions were getting stronger. At 9:04, I told her they were close. The Dr come in right after that to talk about breaking my water. I told her I didn’t want to yet and she asked when I would want her to. I told her, maybe in 4 hours. She said that was ok, but a long time and maybe 2 hours would be better and she would come back to check later. I asked her how high we were going to go on the Pitocin since I was VBAC and she said that they don’t usually induce VBACs so she couldn’t answer that. Then she left. At that point I had cycled through laboring in the bed, in the rocking chair and was now on the birth ball.

 

 

By the time they had bumped me to 6 on the pitocin, I told the nurse that I wouldn’t be able to stand much more. My contractions were over 124+ on the toco and happening very frequently. (From my labor with Levi, I knew that the pitocin on 3 was already too much for my body and they had to turn it off. Pathetic I know, but my uterus responds very very strong to just a tiny tiny bit.) I texted my mom at 9:25 that the contractions were much worse and very close, then at 9:33 I told her she should leave the house to come to the hospital soon! (They have a 1.5+ hour drive too) The nurse bumped the Pitocin to an 8 and I knew I couldn’t go any higher. The pressure and pain were horrendous by that point and I asked them to turn it down. I was trying to labor kneeling over the bed, and later standing while leaning on the bed. They kept saying that we wanted this kind of contractions and it was good, but from having been in labor before, I knew this was wayyy too intense for my body. Labor with Levi was very manageable. I could walk around and stop to squat with the contractions. I could breathe through them (until transition) but with these, I couldn’t bear it. I was breaking down crying and moaning very loudly and no matter how hard I tried to relax into the contraction and breathe through it, I couldn’t. They were coming very fast and the pain was completely localized on my c-section scar and intense downward pressure. Finally the nurses asked the Dr what to do and came back to the room to flush another bag of IV fluid through me and turn the Pitocin down to 4. Which helped space the contractions just a bit, and dimmed the pain enough that I stopped hyperventilating. My face and then my legs had gone numb from not being able to slow my breathing down, and my vision was getting weird, which was exactly what happened in my labor with Levi during transition. I kept saying “I’d think I was in transistion if it wasn’t so soon.” And the nurses and DH kept telling me that I probably was and that I should let the Dr come check me. I decided to try getting in the shower first because I couldn’t handle hearing that I hadn’t made any progress yet.

 

 

I got in the shower to sit on the seat for about 5 minutes, if that. It felt amazing and calmed me down, but the Dr came in the room again and asked if I wanted her to check me now or in 2 hours. I decided to do it now, even though I hated to get out of the shower, because I couldn’t imagine 2 more hours of this kind of labor. I had asked her at my first check, when I should get the epidural line placed and she said I didn’t have to. But at this point, hearing me while I was working through the pain and having 3 more contractions just getting out of the shower, she said I should go ahead and get it placed. I’m not sure if she became concerned because of the pain I was having or what, but all the pain was still localized to the scar area and downward pressure. She had talked earlier about putting a pressure monitor in my uterus to make sure I wasn’t rupturing, (never knew any such thing existed!) but said my water would have to be broken first. I didn’t have any scar pain with Levi, so that was new! Anyway, the Dr checked me and said I was 8cm, then she left the room with no other comment. I thought that was weird since I knew she wanted to break my water soon, but she was very respectful of what I wanted and I appreciated that she wasn’t pushy at all. It was just so completely different from my experience with the Dr who delivered Levi. Night and day.

 

 

So, the anesthesiologist showed up right away (DH took a call from my mom right about then at 10:47am) and I was thrilled to see him! All through my pregnancy, I had been on the fence about getting the epidural dosed this time but I had decided I would go with whatever felt right at the time. I asked him what my options were for pain if I still wanted to get out of bed. (I had been to the bathroom about 800 times at that point and didn’t want to be stuck in bed or have a catheter.) He suggested a dose of fentanyl through the epidural line and said that would probably hold me over till the birth since the birth would be soon. I thought that was a great option! What I didn’t know was that it would make me itch all over and feel very warm, but it was worth it! He also gave me a shot of pepcid which was supposed to help the itching. I felt so much relief from the fentanyl! I was able to lay down in bed and rest my body. I had been shaking really badly through the pain and I finally calmed down and could breathe. At that point, my MIL, FIL, SIL and niece arrived. I was calm and able to talk to DH and my SIL between contractions for a little bit while everyone else waited in the waiting room. Then the contractions started hurting like crazy again and I was back in the dire pain situation again. I’m not sure how much time had passed. Maybe an hour? I could feel a warm sensation with each contraction. It felt like the water was flowing out of my body, but it hadn’t broken yet. I think that was the water bag bulging….

 

 

My parents arrived and I continued to work through the pain and contractions. My Dad stood by the bed looking quite helpless. I halfway felt bad for him and halfway found it quite humorous. He eventually left to go sit with my FIL. When I went to use the bathroom, there was quite a lot of blood and I got scared but the nurse said it was normal. After a little while, I was clinging to the bed rail, half sitting during the contractions, crying and starting to freak out again. The nurse checked me and said I was 10cm and my water bag was bulging. She said if we could break the water, baby would come fast. I was so scared to get my water broke, mostly because I didn’t know how I could cope with any more pain, but I agreed to let the Dr come break my water. My mom, DH and the nurses were all telling me to just let the Dr do it so we could get the pain and delivery over with. Right after the nurse left the room, I felt two pops around my belly button. A couple of seconds passed and then water started gushing out. It wasn’t nearly as much water as I’d had with Levi, but it was much less painful to have it break on its own rather than having a Dr digging in there with the hook. I was so relieved that the Dr didn’t have to break it. At this point, the contractions were so incredibly intense with pressure, but I still didn’t have the urge to push. DH went to get the nurse and she came back in the room a few minutes later. I don’t think she was at all convinced my water had gone but she called for the Dr. I told the nurse I wanted the pitocin off because I was contracting so fast and hard. She wouldn’t turn it off and I was like “I am obviously having the baby now. My labor isn’t going to stop.” But anyway, when she left the room, I turned the drip off. I know I shouldn’t have, but it seemed so stupid to have it still running and causing me so much extra intense pain.

 

 

At that point, a few minutes before 1pm, I told the nurse that I wanted another dose of fentanyl. The anesthesiologist said that wasn’t allowed so I asked for a small dose of the epidural. Everyone was all “You don’t need it! You’ll be having the baby in a few minutes!” But I insisted that I did want it. I had pretty much made up my mind that I wanted something to take the edge off during pushing and in case I ended up with a million stitches again. So, the anesthesiologist came in again and I explained that I wanted only the very smallest amount of medicine possible. I wanted to be able to move my legs and change positions and push in whatever position felt right. Not to be numb entirely or unable to move my legs. He said he had just the thing and gave me a shot through the line. He said to lay on my back for 7-10 minutes to let the medicine work. I couldn’t though. I had to sit up. I couldn’t handle even one contraction laying down.

 

 

The Dr arrived right after that and checked me. She told me to start pushing. I had been sobbing and saying “I don’t want to push!” over and over. I feel kind of silly looking back now. 😉 But I realized later that the reason I didn’t want to push was because I was so worried I would hemorrhage again. That and I was afraid I would tear. Anyway, I still didn’t have the urge to push, just the incredible intense pressure I had felt all day. That and the horrible pain in my incision which was overriding every other sensation in my body. But the Dr just started counting, so I pushed. 3 pushes and his head was right there. I think I pushed through 4 contractions, 2 or 3 pushes each time. Once his head was halfway out, she said to stop and let my body stretch so I wouldn’t tear (with Levi I wasn’t told to stop and that probably caused a lot of the tearing). She said he would come out on his own with the next contraction. I impulsively reached down and felt Zane’s head. It was so warm and soft. I couldn’t wait to get him out! Once I had another contraction, out he popped at 1:09pm, with his right hand up by his face just like it always was in my ultrasounds. I think I pushed about 6 minutes. The nurse had covered my belly with a towel and I kept pushing it away and she kept moving it back. I was getting so annoyed! I wanted the baby right on me. His cord was very short so he couldn’t go on my chest until DH cut it about a minute after birth. (I wanted to wait longer but the Dr said they will only wait 1 minute – oh well) FINALLY, they moved Zane up onto my chest and it was such an incredible feeling. He cried, I cried…. 🙂

 

 

The placenta was out a minute or 2 later with no issues. The Dr said I had a tiny tear (Yep! I felt that happening!) and needed 2 stitches. Thankfully, the epidural had worked its way to where I needed it and the stitching wasn’t painful. During the pushing, I had sensation but not so much burning as I had with Levi. I’m not sure if that was due to the epidural starting to take effect or if it was just an easier birth. Either way, I was very happy with how everything went. I wouldn’t change a thing!! I lost very little blood and was up and walking to the bathroom less than 2 hours later. I felt amazing! Not like I had just had a baby. I have had seriously almost no soreness down there at all. I can’t believe the difference in healing this time. I am so thankful for how God worked everything out!! I know DH was praying all through the labor and so was I. I had my mom, MIL, SIL, and sisters S and M and of course, DH there during the birth and it was perfect. I had been on the fence about having so many people in the room again, but I don’t regret it at all. I know they were all praying for us and it just felt cozy and happy. I am also so happy that I got the Dr that I had that day. When I had a prenatal check up with her, I had told DH that I would be happy with her at the birth and she really was great. 🙂 And honestly, even though we had young and very fresh nurses, they did a great job and I am happy that they got to see us all the way through the labor and birth.

 

So, all told, I had 6 hours of labor, but only 3.5 hours of hard labor. If I had went into labor at home and waited to see if it was the real thing and called my sister to come watch the kids and had DH come home from work and then drove over 1.5 hours to the hospital – we likely would have either barely made it in time, or had the baby in the car. Of course, it’s possible that labor would have been slower without pitocin, but who knows how much more I might have dilated before labor started. I think it was a good call to induce and I don’t regret it even though I thought I might. And I am happy Zane was born without any distress aside from a few minor dips in heartrate during the labor. Just so thankful he was born safe and happy. 🙂

 

 

We stayed in the hospital for 2 days. We were going to go home the next day but Zane’s bilirubin came back at 5.1, so we opted to stay at the pediatrician’s request because of how bad Levi’s jaundice had gotten. They wanted to watch him another night just in case. The next day it was 7.8 but my milk was coming in at that point and he was out of the danger zone. 🙂 It was nice to have another day in the hospital, mostly because Zane had come so fast that he choked on the mucus all night that hadn’t been squeezed through his lungs. I felt better having the nurses nearby because I ended up buzzing them once when I couldn’t get the mucus suctioned out and I started to get scared. Obviously, he was fine. Also, he was so sore after the circumcision that I was glad he had a day to heal before coming home and being passed around and held by his big brothers. We missed Tru and Levi so much and they missed us too and ended up crying on the second night but we talked to them on the phone and they were alright. 🙂 Little Zane is 1 week old today!! He is such a calm and happy baby. He has woken up about 2 times a night, every night since he was born. Hoping that he keeps doing so well. I am so thankful for my Third Gracious Gift of God. 🙂

31 Weeks 5 Days

How far along? 31 weeks 5 days (9-22-17) Yes, I missed my 30 week update. Last week was crazy! I’ll try to do a little recap below.

 
Symptoms? Queasy, breathless, some swelling that comes and goes. Restless legs and the occasional grab of round ligament pain. Pain in the front of my pelvis…. I know there are a few other things but I’m drawing a blank right now….. I guess I still feel pretty good. 🙂

 
Weight? I forgot to weigh myself today. I think about +33-34ish. It’s hard to tell with the swelling. I was +31 and then dropped to +29, then up to +34 overnight and have been bouncing up and down. All I know is, I am definitely feeling the extra pounds!

 
Sleep? Not so good. For some reason, Zane will oftentimes push his feet out really hard if I try to lay on my right side. (I looked back on my updates with Levi and he didn’t like me laying on my left side.) It’s almost like he isn’t comfortable that way. So I have been sleeping mostly on my left but waking up on my back a lot.

 
Exercise? I got in 2 days last week but only 1 this week. It’s getting harder to motivate myself to exercise instead of taking advantage of the boys’ naptime to catch up on some rest myself!

 
Cravings/aversions? I am definitely feeling more aversions to foods. I am not able to eat as much at a time (FINALLY!!!!!) and lots of stuff just doesn’t sound as good. I am totally ok with that as I feel it is a good thing at this stage of pregnancy (and weight gain). 😉

 
Bump? Oh boy! I feel like it stayed modestly sized for quite awhile after the initial bump poppage happened. But now it is definitely feeling larger and heavier and much lower! Next week is the start of our weekly (for now) NSTs. The Dr asked me at my appointment last week if I wanted to do them once a week or twice. I told her, let’s start with once and if my anxiety gets the best of me or if anything comes up, we’ll go to twice a week. She was happy with that plan. 🙂 I also asked her if she is comfortable with me going to my due date and she said no, she wants to induce by 39 weeks. I was/am hoping to avoid induction (and definitely hoping we can safely birth baby without a C-section) and I know my Dr would much prefer I go into labor on my own as well. So here’s hoping that labor starts on it’s own before the induction date if baby is ready and happy to come out.

 

 

Ok, so last week was so busy and I’m already forgetting the majority of how it went…. Sunday: Went to church, stopped at the store so I could buy some glue on nails (to match the dress I bought for maternity pictures), picked up a pizza for lunch and drove to the park for our family/maternity pictures. After that was done, we went to my parent’s house (my mom had been overseas on a trip for almost 3 weeks at that point) and I helped Dad get stuff cleaned up. He had been working on the brakes on our truck since they had went out on me a few weeks prior, so we took our truck home.
Monday: I sat around the house all day worrying about the baby because he hadn’t moved much. I debated whether I should go get checked out and finally by 7pm or so, I decided to go to triage for peace of mind. DH stayed home with the boys, which was good because I didn’t get home till midnight. Baby was fine, obviously, but they did comment on his heart arrhythmia which was very pronounced that day. The Dr said to follow up with them about it. They also checked his fluid which was good at 12.1cm.
Tuesday: Up bright and early for my check up and growth ultrasound. My brother went with me to watch the kids because I didn’t have anyone who could babysit. The ultrasound measured baby’s fluid around 13cm. Zane weighed approx 3lbs 14oz. I was shocked that he is that big already but the tech said that was *only* the 61st percentile and wasn’t too big. They watched his heart for a long time because of the arrhythmia. Unfortunately, the Dr didn’t have the ultrasound report before I had my visit with her, so I don’t know if everything looked good or not. I’m hoping that it is all well. I mentioned that the soles of my feet have been itchy so she sent me for labs and they came back good. 🙂
Wednesday: I took the kids to story time in the morning and we hung out at home the rest of the day. In the evening, I was just getting ready to start supper when DH called on his way home. That’s rather unusual so I knew immediately something must be wrong. He did, in fact, go off the road into a ditch. The roads were wet because it had been raining all day. He did a 360 through a soybean field and took out a road sign. Thank the Lord, he was not hurt at all! He missed a power line pole by just a few feet. That could have been significantly worse! His back was a little sore but that was it. His car looks worse for wear with the passenger door smashed and the mirror missing, but aside from ripping the brake lines out, it is fine. He managed to get it out of the ditch and into a very sweet family’s driveway. The man helped him fix the brakes so he could drive home. We were so thankful for his help and for God keeping DH safe. 🙂
Thursday and Friday: Are totally coming up blank in my memory… Oh dear…. OH! I remember now… I cleaned for 6 hours straight on Friday. I went into full-on nesting mode and everything that seemed *gross* had to be cleaned. (Note: Everything seemed gross.) DH got sucked into my cleaning frenzy and we didn’t eat supper until super late. But the house was clean(er) and I was happy(er)…..Until the next day when I woke up so sore I could hardly function and had to take Tylenol just to move. Which wasn’t good because…
Saturday: The big walk/fundraiser for our local pregnancy center. They provide so much incredible help and resources to the moms, dads and babies/young children in our area. I didn’t know how I would make it for the whole walk, but I did! DH played music at the event also. Afterwards we went home and relieved my MIL from babysitting and I laid down for a short but extremely needed nap. Then we went to DH’s cousin’s wedding. I was wiped out at the end of that day!

 

 

Shew! That was longer than I realized. This week was less crazy but still a little busy. My sister came and stayed a couple days with us and babysat Levi while I took Tru to his follow up with the Pediatrician. He gained a half pound and hasn’t had an unexplained fever or belly pain in awhile, so we are supposed to go back in December to check in. 🙂 The church had prayed over Tru a fever weeks ago and he has been doing great. We very much want to continue on with him feeling better!! The Dr just said to keep him on stool softener for now. He is back on moderate amounts of dairy and not taking Prevacid. 🙂
We did a little shopping after the appointment since it was just me and Tru. I plan to have a one-on-one day with each of the boys in the next week or so. They desperately need to have my full attention for a day! I can’t believe how mature Tru is lately. Like today, we were going to a little street fair type of thing and he asked me if there would be rides there and if so, would that make his hat blow off. I was surprised that he thought ahead like that! He moved to a big boy bed last night and was so excited about it! He was asking to go to bed a full hour+ before bedtime. Awhile later he decided he didn’t like it and was scared, so I went and snuggled him for a bit. He still couldn’t sleep so I promised him we would go buy a nightlight for his room today. I arranged all his 500(ish) stuffed animals around his feet like he likes to have them and he finally fell asleep. He woke up this morning and announced he likes his new bed and wants to sleep in it tonight! Levi asked him “Why?” (of course!) and Tru said “All my animals are waiting for me.” SO CUTE!!! We went and bought him and Levi both a nightlight for their rooms and they were even excited to take naps. Score!! 🙂 The plan was to get Levi moved to the crib-converted-to-toddler-bed tonight, but I didn’t get it done yet. Maybe tomorrow.

 

Ok, this is getting too long.

 

Dear God, thank You for your protection and provision for us these last two weeks. Thank You for keeping DH safe. Please continue to watch over and protect each and every one of us. In Jesus’ name, amen.

 

23 Weeks 6 Days

How far along? 23 weeks 6 days (7-29-30) Just hours away from viability! I was reading online the other day and a girl who is due around the same time as me commented that she is almost to the third trimester and I was thinking “Well, that’s still awhile away really.” And then today it hit me, that’s only a few weeks! (3-4, depending on who you talk to.) Like, tomorrow is 6 months! (Also, depending on who you talk to.) That’s just…. incredible.

 

 

 

Symptoms? Lightheaded several days this week. Random, short bouts of queasiness. Restless legs. Braxton Hicks contractions, which are surprisingly strong at times. Brings back thoughts of labor like a tidal wave!

 

 

 

Weight? +22

 

 

 

Sleep? I realized I cut this question out without meaning to. Until recently, it’s been about as good or bad as it usually is, with a few extra wake ups to pee. But the last few nights, Truett keeps waking up randomly and not being able to sleep. And in turn, once I’m back to bed, I can’t fall back to sleep as quickly as usual. It takes at least 3 to 4 pillows to be comfortable on my side at night or else I get pelvic pain. With my pillows, I’m fine. It takes a bit of arranging but it works. 🙂

 

 

 

Cravings/aversions? Nothing new. But I’ve got Truett and Levi both begging for freezes now. 😉

 

 

 

Baby buys? I had $30 off in coupons to a local store that sells baby clothes etc, so I stopped in there this week and bought Zane 3 outfits and a 2 pack of stretchy baby blankets for around $11 altogether! I was so excited. So were the boys because they love snuggling the new blankets and “trying them out”. Haha. Levi desperately wanted to try on the baby clothes and stripped down to try to put the pants on. Of course, that didn’t work too well. 😀 I also picked up another 2 pack of thermal baby blankets. And I got white shirts for Tru, Levi and myself and I’m hoping to use them in our maternity photo shoot…. although, the photographer didn’t get back with me on the date yet so…

 

 

 

Bump? Baby’s kicks are so much more forceful this week! I think I said that last week as well but this week, they catch me by surprise. He’s started those lovely “cervix kicks”. (Not sure if that’s actually what is going on, but that is what it feels like.) He gets my belly shaking around and sometimes he’s sticking out more on one side, usually the right. I feel like my belly is always changing shape, size and height but I’m pretty sure he’s still breech since the majority of his strong kicks are in my low abdomen. But the hiccups are also low down so… who knows. This morning, DH was talking to Zane with his face against my belly and Zane popped him right in the nose several times. It got us quite to laughing. I love those bonding moments. 🙂

 

 

 

Exercise? I used the elliptical 3 days this week! I increased my time to 30 minutes and I feel good keeping it there now. That’s enough time that I am sweaty and ready for a break, but not feeling over-tired. I’ve been taking advantage of the boys naptime to shower, have Bible study and prayer, maybe rest or catch up on laundry, depending on the day and to exercise. Which is a total change from the first trimester when I couldn’t keep my eyes open once they laid down. I am happy to have (most) of my energy back. 🙂

 

 

 

I think I have hit the “obviously pregnant” stage as people are no longer hesitant to ask about the pregnancy. Yesterday, a lady pulled up beside me while I was getting the boys in the van and asked “Are you having another boy?” And today, another lady asked me if it was a boy or a girl. I’m quite fine with these types of questions and it doesn’t offend me personally, but I know some women find it super annoying.

 

 

 

Levi has been a bit more clingy to me lately. He wants me to pick him up and carry him around sometimes, which is a bit difficult since he’s about 30 pounds now. He also runs up to me and says “Kiss you” multiple times a day and kisses me. He climbs in my lap many times a day to “smuggle you”, but only for a minute before he gets bored and runs off again. And he is very attached to the baby already, talking about him all the time and asking to kiss him or hug him or feel him kick. Levi was singing in the van on the way home last night “I wanna hold the baby”. He also told me he is going to help with the baby and help potty train him. 😉

 

 

 

Truett, on the other hand, is not at all interested in feeling the baby or kissing my belly. He will talk about Zane quite often but if I ask him if he wants to hold him when he’s born, Tru usually says no. And if I ask him if he is going to help with the baby, he also says no. But he is usually doing this little goofy smile when he says it so I think he is excited in his own way but not as interested in the process as Levi is. Which, of course, is perfectly normal and understandable at the age of 3! I have found it so interesting to see and hear the boys’ reactions to having another baby on the way!

 

 

 

Dear God, thank You for another beautiful week and for the wonderful weather we have been able to enjoy and the time with our families. Thank You for all of Zane’s precious little kicks and for this amazing opportunity to experience pregnancy again and carry another miraculous little life. Please watch over and bless him as he continues to grow. In Jesus’ name, amen.

 

 

These are the outfits that we bought.

Tru quickly claimed this blanket for watching tv on. 😉

And Levi chose this “bassetball” blanket to be wrapped up and “smuggled” in. 😉

My sister bought me these gladiolas last year and they have been absolutely gorgeous this summer. I’ve had some white and some pink ones bloom. Love them!

13 Weeks 5 Days

I wrote this a few days ago thinking I’d post it once I took the weekly picture, but this weekend was too busy and we didn’t get to take it, so this post is photo-free.
How far along? 13 weeks 5 days (5-19-17) Second Trimester! YAY! 

Symptoms? 

• A little bit of swelling in my feet at the end of the day. Nothing major. 
• Lightheaded when standing sometimes. My OB said to try eating more foods with sodium and to drink more water and to try gatoraid. I’ve had this in all my pregnancies. I’ll get really lightheaded and nauseous and if I don’t sit down, I will black out. It seems to get better as the pregnancy progresses usually. Today I ended up folded over the checkout counter waiting for the cashier to finish my order. 
• I only took Zofran twice this week! The rest of the time I’ve felt pretty normal. 
• Even my acne is starting to clear up! True second-trimester blessings. 🙂 
• I have most of my energy back and I feel pretty close to my normal self most of the time. 
• I dropped down to just 1 Prometrium at bedtime this week and I plan to be done when my bottle runs out. 🙂 Might as well finish it up. 

Weight? +7 lbs. 

Bump? I’ve thought that maybe there was a flutter or two this week but I can’t say for sure. I do know that my uterus is only an inch or two under my belly button now but I mostly still find the baby really low on the doppler but I hear it’s kicks higher up. Maybe it’s head down? 

Cravings/aversions? Nothing really either way. I’ve had a few iced frappes this week and they were goooood! The thought of hot coffee still grosses me out but me and cold coffee are friends again. 🙂 

RANT TIME: So, I had a check-up with my OB this week and it went well. TMI: I told her about some weird discharge I was having and she did an internal and a swab. Seems this may be normal this time around even though I never had this with the boys. She said because of a prior “natural” birth. Anyway, she said she read the entire report from my birth with Levi and you won’t believe this…. The Dr who delivered him and wrote up the report said that the reason I hemorrhaged was my “uterus was tired and stopped contracting”. WHAT?????? There was 7 of my family members in the room. My mom, DH, MIL, SIL, 2 of my sisters and myself. We ALLLLLL know I had retained placenta.  TALK ABOUT COVERING YOUR BUTT WITH A LIE THE SIZE OF TEXAS!! That Dr knew she should have stopped pulling on the cord when I told her to please stop and she knew she tore my placenta. To blame it on my lazy, “tired uterus” and apparently not mention the placenta at all, is just…. wow! 
So, I sat there in shock when my new OB told me the report said this and that she would give me medicine to prevent a hemorrhage this time, and I didn’t even stand up for myself and tell her that was a big fat lie in the report. I just couldn’t form the words at that time. Not like she would believe me over the report written by an MFM…. Like she would even think I knew what I was talking about. But I do know. I’m the one who had 2 Drs scraping my insides with their hands trying to fish out bits of placenta. I’m the one who lost so much blood I couldn’t hold my eyes open. I know. And my family knows. DH and my mom were both upset that I didn’t tell her “NO! That is not what happened.” I just couldn’t and I didn’t and I wish I had. Not like it would do any good though… I’m just letting it go for now but if the opportunity arises, I will say something.

As an aside though, I’d rather just forgive that Dr and pray for her and move on. Harboring anger would only put a cloud over what was otherwise, a beautiful experience, getting to meet my little Levi. Could it have gone better? Almost definitely, yes. But it’s all part of the story and he was brought here safe and healthy and I’m safe and healthy and that’s what matters. 
RANT OVER.

The rest of the appointment went well. We heard the baby on the doppler kicking all around and the Dr was super happy because “healthy babies kick”. I really do like this OB. She is reassuring while also hearing me out on my concerns. I told her about my worries about my cervix possibly being torn with Levi’s birth and she said she wanted me to let that worry go as much as possible. She really thought it would be ok. We set up the Anatomy scan for 18 weeks 3 days, so we should definitely know who is in there by then. 🙂 AND, I keep dropping hints at DH about how much I’d love a 4d ultrasound this time. I didn’t even know about them until recently and I know the 3d was awesome when the tech gave us a peak with Tru and Levi, so 4d has to be even better, right? DH said we could do that for our anniversary gift to ourselves. I called the place (we have one locally now!! yay!) and they said after 24 weeks is best. So it’s still a ways off before we can do it, if we get to. But I think it would be really fun. 🙂 The local place is way cheaper than the big city places. Only $99 for a 1-hour slot (to give you time in case baby is in a bad position or something). I don’t know if you get a dvd but I’d imagine so. 🙂 

Dear God, thank You for the good check-up this week and for me feeling better and being able to enjoy this pregnancy more. Thank You for all the little kicks and wiggles on the doppler. Please continue to bless this pregnancy and protect the baby. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

Progesterone Went Up! :)

Shew! After a night of tossing and turning and little sleep, I decided I needed another blood draw to give me some answers. So I went in yesterday (about 24 hours after my last PIO shot, that way my shot wouldn’t be falsely increasing the number) and I got my results today. 

Progesterone 41.1

Beta 18,698 doubing time of about 42 hours. 23 dpo ~ 5 weeks 2 days. 

So imagine my relief! My RE is checking my progesterone tomorrow but no point in checking beta again, which is fine with me. 

Ultrasound in 9 days (but I’m saying 8 since it’s in the morning 😉 ). I am still crossing my fingers that I won’t have a reaction to the PIO and talked to my pharmacy about compounding it so I don’t have to worry about the benzyl alcohol. They said they can do that, so yay!! 

Thanks for the encouragement on my last post. I emailed my RE and told him about the anxiety I was having over it all and he was very sympathetic, so I greatly appreciated that. Thank You, Dear Lord, for such great increases and reassurance. Thank You for being faithful and loving. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

A Reblog From My Archives

I came across this in my archives. I wrote it about 2 years ago but wanted to share it again in case it could help anyone else.
I guess I should start with a disclaimer – I’m not a dr, DUH. I don’t know everything or even really that much about clotting issues but I have them so… take that. 
I have been wanting to write about this for awhile now but today I read a blog that was the final straw. As you know, I have MTHFR which is short for Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase – not what you thought, ha! I am homozygous with the C677T variation. All a really long way of saying that my body has a hard time methylating b vitamins especially b12, b6 and folic acid. I can’t absorb most b vitamins unless they are in their methylated forms so I have to buy a b vitamin supplement that is already broken down. (It’s called Homocystex Plus.) MTHFR also causes blood clotting issues. It’s actually more common than you think but hardly anyone gets tested for it because A) they don’t know to, B) drs are pretty ignorant about it (sorry drs. study up on this please!) C) practically nobody understands it or how to treat it, D) it’s expensive to test for and it’s usually on a whole panel that requires 14 vials of blood. ( I also just found out the other day that I had actually tested positive for Anti cardiolipin antibodies and have an elevated prothromibin time. Nobody thought it was important to tell me that but I read it in the report that I have a copy of from when I had that testing done. Thankfully, they are also treated the same as MTHFR.)
 
The fact of the matter remains, MTHFR causes infertility, implantation failure, both early and late term pregnancy loss and is incredibly easy to treat. Drs can disagree with that all they want but many other Drs agree with that statement. But you know what? It’s just one of a whole bunch of little known and “minor” issues that potentially cause clotting especially in the smallest blood vessels – in the uterus where the baby is trying to dig in and implant and where the placenta is drawing it’s life giving blood and oxygen from. 
 
MTHFR and a host of other “minor” clotting disorders can be treated by injectable blood thinners such as Heparin and Lovenox along with low dose Asprin. The blood thinners and asprin are started after ovulation/egg retrieval or asprin can be used continuously (which it usually should be if you have a clotting disorder – check with your Dr) and blood thinner shots can be started with a positive pregnancy test. You should also be on a methylated b vitamin supplement (regular b vitamins are not usable by your body) if you have MTHFR. Most drs will prescribe you a high dose vitamin b compound but it’s not as useable as just getting a high quality methylated supplement.
 
So, back to the blog that was the final straw. A woman with RPL who’s latest loss was at 20 weeks! Finally, for her SEVENTH pregnancy, somebody had the brains to check her for clotting disorders and they found that she had a “minor” one and given her “history” they decided to FINALLY treat her with Heparin. (Ya think??) Carried that baby to term. Case closed. I could also tell you the story of my friend who had at least 9 losses but carried her last baby to term and used blood thinner during that pregnancy. 
 
Obviously I’m not saying that blood thinners could prevent all loses. Definitely not!! There are genetic issues in the baby sometimes that cause losses, infections, incompetent cervix and a host of other reasons which I don’t really need to spell out, but clotting related issues can often times be treated! 
 
My RE didn’t seem to consider my issues to warrant any action. I talked to my IVF nurse though and she said if I wanted to cover all my bases, I could go on a low dose of Lovenox. I think they were mostly just letting me use it so I would feel proactive and so that they could say all my bases were covered. Turns out, as it was quite obvious during my pregnancy with Truett, blood thinner was quite important! So much so that my dose has been upped for this pregnancy. Again, I’m not saying it is fail proof. But with Tru, thank You Jesus, it helped! I hope that this time, the blood thinners will help keep my baby safe in there. Please God, protect this baby according to Your will and help it to get all the blood and oxygen flow that it needs in my womb. I pray that it will be safe in there and live and grow and be well and strong and healthy. In Jesus’ name, amen. 
 
All that to say this, if you have stumbled over this blog and you have had repeat failed IVF’s, RPL, or unexplained losses, please push your dr to test you for clotting and immune issues. And if they find ANYTHING, I don’t care how “minor” it is, (because let’s face it, when blood vessels are clogging, is there really anything “minor” about that?) and I don’t care how they feel about issues like MTHFR, get on Lovenox or Heparin and Asprin. If your dr refuses to treat you, see another dr! This is serious business. I have seen this happen SO MANY TIMES on SO MANY BLOGS. Women couldn’t get or stay pregnant, after tons of failed cycles or so many devastating losses, got treated and bam. Finally they have their baby(s). 
 
Something to think about. 
Shared: Implantation Failure, Failed IVF’s, RPL, Unexplained Infertility – Please Read This – http://wp.me/p34rdD-tI

3 Year Blogiversary – Thank you!

Three years ago when I started this blog, I was part-way through my second IVF cycle and desperate to make a connection with someone who could relate to what I was going though. I had plenty of family and friends who did their utmost to be there for me and who were/are so supportive and loving and really helped to give me strength through what had been a long 4.5 year battle with infertility. But as much as I loved and appreciated their support (and still am so thankful for their support and prayers and desire to understand) sometimes I just wanted to talk to someone who understood. Someone who I didn’t have to explain things to and didn’t have to try not to offend with my anger. And I had things I wanted to share with others too! Support I wanted to give; to be that listening ear. God, in His unwavering faithfulness carried me through and I wanted to share that with everyone. If it wasn’t for God, I wouldn’t have made it 4.5 years without a single friend who really knew or understood what I was feeling.

I had found forums where I could discuss things with “cycle buddies” and didn’t have to explain procedures to and I had seen that a few of them had blogs. I started reading a blog or two and thought, I’d like to try that. But I really didn’t dream I would ever have over a hundred followers reading my own blog! I just really needed a place to journal my feelings and progress and hopefully find a few friends who could relate. WOW, you all really came through!! The sense of community and support was overwhelming and it really helped to lift my spirit during a tough time. Then, once I was treading the new, frightening yet exciting waters of pregnancy after infertility, I found a whole new world of support I was not expecting I would even need, let alone, find. Pregnancy after infertility is different. At least it certainly has been for me and I know a lot of others who would vouch for that as well as parenting after infertility. I had a whole different set of fears and struggles that I wasn’t aware would come up and I found a whole community here waiting to share their support once again. I couldn’t thank you enough.

I know that word *support* keeps coming up… because that’s what it’s all about! Thank you for reading along and sharing your stories and for letting me share mine. 🙂

Still Being Irregular…

My cycle was regular pretty much right away after having Tru. It may have been off a day or two but not by much. This time around though, it’s sporadic. The first 2 were 36 days apart and this month I was 10 days late! Negative tests after AF was late aside from 1 that was most likely a dye run. (IC, had a bad dent in it.) I didn’t track anything this month or keep track of CD or ovulation. But I was due to start Christmas and AF didn’t come until today. Was a little bummed after starting to get my hopes up yesterday with that wacky test. Oh well, it was obviously not my month. It’s ok. But I hope AF will quit playing tricks on me if I’m not pregnant. As nice as it is to delay the ugly lady, it’s also a pain to have to keep testing every few days *just in case* since I would have to start Lovenox asap if I were actually pregnant. My milk supply is low enough that I’m surprised my hormones are still that off. How long did it take before your cycles evened out post partum?