Archives for category: IVF

I know that a lot of people stumble across my blog, thanks to google. Many of them are looking for hope and encouragement in their fertility journey. Since infertility will always be a subject close to my heart, I want to get this information out there in case it might be of help to someone. 

When we were trying to improve DH’s sperm count, motility, and morphology, I researched natural ways to help. It seems there is an overwhelming amount of information on the internet for natural supplements, but it’s all scattered around here and there and takes forever to sort through. As I sifted through everything, I compiled this list. 

Keep in mind, I have no medical degree and I certainly am not advising anyone to take this huge pile of supplements. In fact, I can’t even tell you that it will up your count or quality at all. All I know is, whether or not it contributed to the miracle conceptions that God blessed us with, it certainly didn’t hurt. Most of these supplements are good for your general health, regardless and are things DH needs to be on to keep other health issues at bay. So, here goes.

Vitamin C – 1,500mg

Vitamin E – 800iu (I prefer to use the natural version of vitamin E, vs the synthetic)

Zinc – 60mg

B12 – 100mcg (We actually take a b-complex that is methylated for better absorption. I’ll gladly tell you what it’s called if you want to know.)

Selenium – 200mcg

CoQ10 – 100mg

L-Carnitine – not sure of amount

Vitamin A – this was in a multi he was taking at the time, so I’m not sure on the dose of this either

Flax oil and/or Fish oil – 1,200mg 

L-Arginine – 500mg

Vitamin D – 5,000iu

Astaxanthin – 12mg

Obviously, you should check this list over with your dr before taking these things. Particularly if you are on medication as the supplements and meds could interact. I just wanted to put this list our there in case it could help someone else. 

*For reference, DH’s last semen analysis (he’s had many) was 1million, sub par motility and 0% morphology. We have gone on to have 3 successful pregnancies through ivf and spontaneous conception since that test. 🙂 

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I came across this in my archives. I wrote it about 2 years ago but wanted to share it again in case it could help anyone else.
I guess I should start with a disclaimer – I’m not a dr, DUH. I don’t know everything or even really that much about clotting issues but I have them so… take that. 
I have been wanting to write about this for awhile now but today I read a blog that was the final straw. As you know, I have MTHFR which is short for Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase – not what you thought, ha! I am homozygous with the C677T variation. All a really long way of saying that my body has a hard time methylating b vitamins especially b12, b6 and folic acid. I can’t absorb most b vitamins unless they are in their methylated forms so I have to buy a b vitamin supplement that is already broken down. (It’s called Homocystex Plus.) MTHFR also causes blood clotting issues. It’s actually more common than you think but hardly anyone gets tested for it because A) they don’t know to, B) drs are pretty ignorant about it (sorry drs. study up on this please!) C) practically nobody understands it or how to treat it, D) it’s expensive to test for and it’s usually on a whole panel that requires 14 vials of blood. ( I also just found out the other day that I had actually tested positive for Anti cardiolipin antibodies and have an elevated prothromibin time. Nobody thought it was important to tell me that but I read it in the report that I have a copy of from when I had that testing done. Thankfully, they are also treated the same as MTHFR.)
 
The fact of the matter remains, MTHFR causes infertility, implantation failure, both early and late term pregnancy loss and is incredibly easy to treat. Drs can disagree with that all they want but many other Drs agree with that statement. But you know what? It’s just one of a whole bunch of little known and “minor” issues that potentially cause clotting especially in the smallest blood vessels – in the uterus where the baby is trying to dig in and implant and where the placenta is drawing it’s life giving blood and oxygen from. 
 
MTHFR and a host of other “minor” clotting disorders can be treated by injectable blood thinners such as Heparin and Lovenox along with low dose Asprin. The blood thinners and asprin are started after ovulation/egg retrieval or asprin can be used continuously (which it usually should be if you have a clotting disorder – check with your Dr) and blood thinner shots can be started with a positive pregnancy test. You should also be on a methylated b vitamin supplement (regular b vitamins are not usable by your body) if you have MTHFR. Most drs will prescribe you a high dose vitamin b compound but it’s not as useable as just getting a high quality methylated supplement.
 
So, back to the blog that was the final straw. A woman with RPL who’s latest loss was at 20 weeks! Finally, for her SEVENTH pregnancy, somebody had the brains to check her for clotting disorders and they found that she had a “minor” one and given her “history” they decided to FINALLY treat her with Heparin. (Ya think??) Carried that baby to term. Case closed. I could also tell you the story of my friend who had at least 9 losses but carried her last baby to term and used blood thinner during that pregnancy. 
 
Obviously I’m not saying that blood thinners could prevent all loses. Definitely not!! There are genetic issues in the baby sometimes that cause losses, infections, incompetent cervix and a host of other reasons which I don’t really need to spell out, but clotting related issues can often times be treated! 
 
My RE didn’t seem to consider my issues to warrant any action. I talked to my IVF nurse though and she said if I wanted to cover all my bases, I could go on a low dose of Lovenox. I think they were mostly just letting me use it so I would feel proactive and so that they could say all my bases were covered. Turns out, as it was quite obvious during my pregnancy with Truett, blood thinner was quite important! So much so that my dose has been upped for this pregnancy. Again, I’m not saying it is fail proof. But with Tru, thank You Jesus, it helped! I hope that this time, the blood thinners will help keep my baby safe in there. Please God, protect this baby according to Your will and help it to get all the blood and oxygen flow that it needs in my womb. I pray that it will be safe in there and live and grow and be well and strong and healthy. In Jesus’ name, amen. 
 
All that to say this, if you have stumbled over this blog and you have had repeat failed IVF’s, RPL, or unexplained losses, please push your dr to test you for clotting and immune issues. And if they find ANYTHING, I don’t care how “minor” it is, (because let’s face it, when blood vessels are clogging, is there really anything “minor” about that?) and I don’t care how they feel about issues like MTHFR, get on Lovenox or Heparin and Asprin. If your dr refuses to treat you, see another dr! This is serious business. I have seen this happen SO MANY TIMES on SO MANY BLOGS. Women couldn’t get or stay pregnant, after tons of failed cycles or so many devastating losses, got treated and bam. Finally they have their baby(s). 
 
Something to think about. 
Shared: Implantation Failure, Failed IVF’s, RPL, Unexplained Infertility – Please Read This – http://wp.me/p34rdD-tI

I *think* I ovulated yesterday. I used CBD Advanced OPKs this month and got my flashing smiley face (high fertility) on CD 14 and solid smiley (peak fertility) on CD 15. I definitely felt like I was ovulating yesterday. My ovaries hurt SO BAD! Especially the left side. 
TMI but my RE said to BD on days 10, 12, 14, and 16. I was totally not going to follow that schedule because of using the OPKs and not wanting to make things happen if the mood wasn’t there. But it so happened that it just worked out that way. 
Anyhow, I still have tenderness in my ovaries today so I don’t know what that means. Hopefully nothing sinister. My LP is usually 13 days so… now, we wait. Lord if it’s Your will! 

Remember how how I said that maybe I had ovarian cysts that were preventing my cycle from coming? Well, it finally did come on CD 47 (!!!) which is the latest I have ever been without being pregnant. But I really don’t know why it was so late. 

On CD 44 I went to see my RE. We basically had a pre-conception consultation and talked about the possible cysts and ran blood work to check where all my hormones are falling at now. Progesterone was elevated so I definitely did ovulate, according to the Dr, which I was almost certain I had. And I am about 100% certain I didn’t ovulate late yet I was 3 weeks late to start….? All the other tests came back within normal levels. (Testosterone, thyroid, FSH etc) 
They did an ultrasound while I was there and the Dr asked if I had ever been diagnosed with PCOS because my ovaries almost looked that way. Even I could definitely see lots of black spots (cysts) on them. I told him I hadn’t been diagnosed with that before (thankfully!) so he ordered AMH on the blood work as well. It came back at 6.87ng/ml which is within normal range but actually higher than when I was 22. ETA: I am actually a little confused about this. Higher AMH is usually thought to be good because it points to higher ovarian reserve, but I’ve also read that it can indicate PCOS…  He didn’t say anything about the cysts making my cycle late though so maybe my theory was bogus. The Dr didn’t seem overly concerned about the cysts…? I am supposed to follow up in Feb. 

He asked if I wanted to give a couple cycles of medicated TI a try before doing a SA and possibly moving on to other treatment (I am thinking if we move on to more advanced treament, it would probably be AT LEAST another year). I decided to go ahead and try Femara 2.5mg for 2 months. Because, why not…. If he thinks it’s worth a try then I might as well try it. I opted not to take Clomid because I had such a horrible time on it last time I tried it 6 years ago. I’ve never tried Femara before but I am on day 2 of 5 now. I guess we will see how it goes. I have realistic expectations but I also know what my God can do so I am leaving it in His hands. So, yeah, that’s where I am at right now. Very thankful for good test results! 🙂 

I don’t know what my issue is lately. So much to say but then I don’t say it. Some of it has to do with laziness I’m sure and also the general blah that has come over me since that dreadful thing we call Fall has arrived. I feel mega stressed about winter, as pathetic as that may sound. I don’t do well with the cold. In the state we live in we have 7 months that range from slightly chilly to bitter blistering cold at a moments notice and 5 months that range from perfect to too freaking hot to be outside. As in, heat advisories issued on the television multiple days throughout the summer. Best of both worlds, cold and heat advisories. If we actually manage to pay off our house in the next 5ish years, I have plans in my head about buying a very tiny house in a warm state and renting it to vacationers during the summer and escaping there during the cold. If I sound like an old person for these thoughts, GOOD! They have the right idea! 

Because I know you don’t just come here to listen to me complain, dear readers – you dear patient people whom I love – I do actually have some fun updates to share. We celebrated Truett’s birthday with our friends and family on the 29th of October with a smallish (for us) party. It was great! Pirate themed and right up my alley seeing as how I used to read pirate books as a teen and absolutely loved them. Making the decorations was so fun. DH’s aunt spent a small fortune and countless hours on the – hands down – cutest pirate birthday cake ever. Dudes, the pirate had a butt crack showing! And belly button. If that’s not just the cutest!

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Tru loved his party so much and danced his way right through the happy birthday song. It was so fun! And of course he was spoiled rotten with toys which him and Levi have been playing with at the exclusion of all their “old, boring” toys. 🙂 

Then we had Truett’s Rheumatology appointment on the 31st and seeing as he has not had a real fever since the Great Fever Incident of September, we are taking a watchful waiting approach versus doing blood work right now for Periodic Fever Syndrome. The Dr felt that was still a possibility but was not too concerned about it at this point. We are supposed to call in with any fever and they will do blood work. Also, Tru had his pelvic and abdominal ultrasound the same day which he hardly noticed since they let him watch a movie during it. 😉 Poor child did have to go hungry all the way until about 2pm though because of not being allowed to eat or drink beforehand. I felt so bad for him. But anyhow, the ultrasound looked good. So the last item on our list is the stool study and I have been unable to get an… errrm… sample, so we have not “turned in” that test yet. But hopefully this week we will. 🙂 That test is to look for a bunch of things that coud be causing his belly pain (which he hasn’t complained of lately, thankfully) and his marked bloating. So much so that his hernia which was going away, has seemed to pop out more. :/ 

A few days after returning from New York (which I still want to post some really cute pictures we got there) I was hit by the stomach bug that I thought I had escaped desite Truett throwing up on my face. Yes. Always happens to me. The worst part of having a stomach virus is, for me, the fact that I have… emetophobia. It’s a thing. Look it up. But my Dr had called me in some phenergan. I thought it didn’t help since I still “got sick” a couple times but after DH came down with the bug the next day and got sick 15ish times, I was really thankful for the phenergan I had taken. It must have really helped me. The weird thing was that Levi came down with the virus twice in a week. Poor baby. But he never acted like he felt bad at all, thankfully. 🙂 And we all were well in time for Tru’s party. 

Last weekend we attended my cousin’s beautiful wedding out of state but still close enough to easily drive there. It was gorgeous! Levi danced his heart out at the reception and if I knew how to post video here, I would. He actually dances like he knows what he’s doing and he’s just a baby! It’s hilarious! He was getting all the ladies. 😉 

And, because I have been good and not bored you with TTC news in a few months, I feel compelled to tell you that we have reached the 1 year mark of trying again and of course, nada. 😦 I am sad about it to be frank with you but I feel like I really can’t blog about the way I feel on here because some of my readers have suffered so and some are still struggling to have their first or second child and I just don’t feel I have a right to boo hoo on here about the way I feel right now. But yes, I’m struggling a little. I have days were I am fine and I just feel very content with the way things are and I never ever forget for even a minute how blessed I am to have my boys. Then there are days… or maybe just moments really were I remember the double meaning behind my blog name. Journey is the name that we picked out for our baby girl when we had been dating all of one week. I still want Journey, or another boy would be just as amazing. I love being a boy mom! I guess if I knew it would happen again someday that I will have another baby, I wouldn’t be worried at all. It’s just that I don’t know if that will ever happen again, so I struggle a bit. I have not OPK’d or kept track much at all in a few months but based on the massive ov pain I had this month, I’d say we BD at exactly the right time. Come on boys!! I’m still taking my Lovenox and so on and need to get DH and I back on our immune support and (hopefully) fertility friendly vitamins. There is a miniscul possibility that we would try ivf again in, say… 3 years. But it’s something we’ve barely talked about so far. 

Lest this get too long, I’d better pause in the updates for now. Stay healthy and happy!  🙂 

Wow!! I am embarrassingly behind on this little dude’s update. :/ It just seems like he is growing so much and there is all this new stuff to post on him but as soon as I sit down to write, I forget. Ah, life….

Probably my favorite part about this age is the stuff Tru says. He’s hilarious! And not just because he announces every time “I fartses” and “I poop balls”. He came up to me the other morning and touched my hair and said “You hair is great!”

Tru is an awesome compliment giver and is good about saying sorry unprompted. He is always telling me “Hey! Good job, mom!” when I do anything he appreciates, even stuff like getting him a drink or coloring with him. He loves to give and get hugs. Especially when Levi hugs him, that’s extra special. He says “Baby wuvs me!” I was babysitting a few weeks ago and Tru said “Mommy, I wuv Noah! Baby, you wuv Noah?” He still mostly calls Levi “baby” or “Vevi”. 

Unfortunately, Tru has the bad habit of biting his finger AND toe nails. I haven’t cut his nails in months because he always has them chewed down to the quick. Occasionally he has bit his toe nails so far down that they’ve bled a bit. :/ He seems to mostly do it at night after we put him to bed so it’s hard to stop him. I noticed the other day that he calls his finger nails “finger snails”. And the moon in crescent phase? It looks like a finger snail. Tru loves the moon and keeps close track of it while we are driving at night. He will ask “where moon go?” every time we go around a curve or turn and he loses sight of it for a minute. 

It’s so great now that I can pick Tru’s clothes out for the day and he dresses himself (usually the right way) and gets his shoes when we are getting ready to go and puts them on. Actually, he’s been able to do this stuff for a solid year at least but not as consistently as he does now. He even brings me MY shoes now when he is ready to go. 😉 Tru loves going places and begs to go to Granmoms” all the time. A lot of mornings he will ask me “we go bye-bye?” when I go to get him out of bed. He loves going to play with the kids in the gym child care. He also asks to see his cousin and to go to his “other house” which I’m pretty sure is DH’s parents house. I think he calls it that because DH’s sister’s family had to live there temporarily while they were moving and Tru figured out that his cousins had an “other house” so he thinks that’s his place too. 😉

We are still struggling with this refusal to eat much. But, I’m just taking it bit by bit and trying to be firm but patient. Tru has been out of his highchair and sitting at the table at mealtime for several months but I brought it back out and have started buckling him in so he at least doesn’t get distracted and walk away while he is supposed to be eating. I really think it’s working better as he ate a good breakfast and a better lunch than he had been. I don’t really like for him to know that it’s frustrating me so I try to not press the issue. But I do repeatedly encourage him to take bites and bribe him a little bit with TV time etc. We’ve cut wayyyy back on TV time and have let him watch almost none for the last month because I don’t like the side it brings out in Tru. It seems like tantrums are worse and more frequent the more TV he watches. Which is likely the fault of the programs he enjoys as they are so darn hyperactive and loud. I do admit that sometimes its nice to use TV as a babysitter while I clean, but its just not worth it anymore at all!! (And Levi doesn’t like TV whatsoever so it never distracts him anyway.) I’ve been getting Tru to actually sit down with books for at least a short bit. He reads out loud to himself and points out all the letters, numbers, shapes and objects that he knows. And that makes me super happy!

Tru is very stubborn. I can’t fault him for it because he gets it from me. And DH. Poor kid, he has a double dose. 😉 It’s not a bad thing though really!! I try to just tell myself that this is such a great trait if it is carefully cultivated. I’m glad he’s stubborn! That determination can go a long way in life. But right now, it can be a huge struggle. That said, while we still have some days that are fraught with fit after fit after screaming fit, explaining things to Tru and calming him down is getting easier. I’ve found that the best way to get him to behave is to use time outs in his bed. I was surprised that this worked best for him but everyone responds differently and time out calms him down quickly. When I go to get him up he often tells me “I be happy” and he usually is, at least for awhile. Sometimes when he’s crying he will wipe his eyes and tell me “I want be happy!!!” repeatedly. I feel for him because I know sometimes you don’t want to be upset but it just feels like your emotions are out of control. Poor little guy. It is ridiculously cute though when he says that. 😉

Tru is super obsessed with making sure everything has working batteries. He gets the whole concept of opening panels with a screwdriver to change batteries. He is definitely a techy kind of guy because his favorite ever games to play on cell phones are….. message (entering numbers and letters on a text message) and numbers (calculator). Forget candy crush, people! Just let me play with your calculator!!

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Gloves make great monkey feet! Tru wore these gloves on his feet for hours.

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Pre hair cut a few weeks ago

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Cause sometimes you are just too cool

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Trying out his new car seat. He sat in it for about an hour and didn't want out. He loves the cup holder and pockets.

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Tru loves pointing out everything he recognizes in his books

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Partners in crime after coloring the whole porch in sidewalk chalk 😉

Dear God, thank You for all of the blessings you have poured out on Tru’s life. For all the fun things he does and says and for blessing me with the very special gift of being his mommy. Please watch over him and continue to keep him safe and healthy. In Jesus’ name, amen.

I have been surprised by the compassion Truett has for people lately. He gets really concerned if he thinks I am sad or upset. The other day, he could tell I was moody. He kept asking me if I was sad. A little later he came up to me and said “Mom, I pray.” and he put his hand on my head to pray for me. Awhile after that I was having my daily prayer time in my room. I usually have the door shut but I guess it wasn’t latched because Tru came in and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was praying but he must have thought I said that I was crying because he said “I get songs.” He ran out to the family room and came running back with his little piano and plopped it in front of me saying “I got songs, Mom!” Obviously he thought some songs would cheer me up. Then he laid down on the floor next to where I was kneeling and said “I wuv you.” This little boy just melts my heart! How can someone so tiny and so young have such a heart of compassion and desire to make things better? I love him so much!

Lately Levi has been running up to Tru to hug him or laying his head on his shoulder. Tru always is so happy and tells me frequently “Mommy, Baby wuvs me.” I think they both really understand now what *Love* is. 🙂 He wants to make me happy all the time and will ask me from time to time “Mommy happy?”

One day when Levi was acting up, Tru said “Baby bad.” and I explained to him that baby isn’t bad, he was just having a hard time at the moment. Then Tru told me “I a bad boy.” and it just broke my heart! I reassured him that he is not a bad boy, he is a good boy!! I’m not even sure where he got that idea as we certainly don’t tell our kids that *they* are bad when they misbehave. But I have definitely been making a point of telling them that they are good boys just randomly throughout the day or when I see them doing something nice like sharing etc. I guess I never really realized how deep of thoughts such tiny little people have! But now that I do see this with Truett, I am trying to make sure that he always feels safe and reassured in his environment.

They really understand more than we give them credit for. They might be young but that doesn’t mean they don’t understand.

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I know it's blurry but I sure love them.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said it about every age and stage but… this age is wonderful! Like right now, Tru is playing in a giant plastic tote. He’s calling it his castle. Imaginative play is happening all the time now and he definitely likes to talk to imaginary friends or something like that. I hear him pretending to be me sometimes. He will say “Tru, come here! Get in the car. No play in the (sand)box!” I got a video of him saying this stuff and it’s positively hilarious! I would post it if I knew how.

He loves to build things with mega blocks. Which we have well over a hundred of them now… a whole large plastic tote full. Like the kind you would store Christmas decorations in and the like. My mom had accumulated a ton of those mega blocks over the years and gave them to the boys last week. But no matter that we have so many blocks, the boys still fight over their TWO favorite blocks, the ones with wheels. Tru loves to make trains, fire trucks and cars.

Life with Mr. Independent is really fun and becoming more and more adventurous! Tru wants to do everything on his own. He cries if we don’t let him climb (cwimb) into and out of his carseat on his own, which takes longer but makes him feel so proud! He also tries to buckle it on his own which is pretty tricky. “My do, my do, MY DO!” is becoming a more and more common thing for him to say. He definitely has an opinion about everything. I would say that he has a strong-willed streak but I don’t mean that in the “My kid is a brat but I call him *strong-willed*” way. Like, it’s a good kind of stubbornness that, yes, makes parenting him challenging at times, but also makes him very determined and I am thrilled to see that trait in him!

Now that Truett is fully vocal, being in public with him is getting more… interesting. I foresee myself being embarrassed a lot! I needed to buy some bras the other day. The first non-nursing bras I’ve bought in years. As soon as we walked into the bra section, Tru started pointing to all of them and saying “BOOBS!” very excitedly. And this went on over and over and over the entire time I was shopping. No matter how many times I tried to quiet his enthusiasm. And yes, there were other people around who heard him and, I imagine, stifled giggles. Then he started getting really excited about a “monster boob” which turned out to be a bra with skulls on it. (Seriously?) But yeah, that was an adventure.

That same day, I bought the boys cheeseburgers and I handed Tru his burger still in the wrapper. He took it with excitement while asking “This a present burger, Mom?” I told him that yes, it was a present burger and when he finished eating it, he said “Mommy, danks for the present burger!” I almost melted with love!

I have been fixing my hair in french braided pig tails recently since it keeps my hair off my neck and helps me stay cool (but not *cool* haha!). Anyway, when I fix my hair that way, Tru says “Mommy, you a girl!”

Tru likes to dress himself all the time and even cries sometimes if I try to help him put on his shoes etc. But after months and months of being able to dress himself perfectly, he keeps getting his clothes on backwards now. He had been taking off his pants every single time he went pee since he always takes himself now (he doesn’t even use the foam potty seat cover any more!) and he can’t climb on the toilet with his pants on. But lately he has been going standing instead so he doesn’t have to undress and redress 10 times a day. 😉 I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have him fully potty trained and taking himself. It’s a process to get to this point and it’s not fun at all but once it’s done, it’s wonderful! 🙂

Dear God, thank You so much for the amazing blessing of getting to raise Truett and watch him learn and explore his world. Please watch over him and protect him. In Jesus’ name, amen.

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Tru with turtle number 2. We let him go after a couple days because he seemed to have had a rough life and I didn't want him to be sad. This poor turtle looked to have been shot with a paintball gun as he has green paint on his shell.

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We have been taking these snack/activity boxes to church to entertain the boys and Tru loves it! As soon as we get to church, he always asks for his snack box.

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Playing in the sandbox at my sister's house

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Tru drew faces on these dinosaurs and I can't get over how cute it is! I didn't realize he knew where to put eyes ect. He even gave some of them hair. I was shocked when I flipped through the book and saw all these dinos with faces drawn on.

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Like this dino with it's eyes up way too high. Haha! Tru LOVES to color.


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A face only a mother could love...

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He loves to draw fish too. I told him to draw DH a fish and Tru was so cool about it, doing this little "boom" sound at the end lol. DH and I were cracking up!

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Watching the fish at DH's uncle's house.

I was beginning to think Levi would not be a self-weaning baby, and I was not so secretly FINE with that. I am in no hurry to wean him yet and he was adamant in his desire to nurse alllll day and had gotten even more attached to the boob in the last month since he learned to ask for it by patting my chest, tugging my shirt and occasionally making a “buh” sound. We are talking, I would be walking through the store pushing the cart and he’s in the seat patting my boob area and crying. (Less weird than it sounds).

Well, suddenly he is not interested. He stopped asking me frequently to nurse and started shaking his head “no” and even making his sound for “no” when I would ask if he wanted to nurse. Usually, I can ask him from another room if he wants a boob and he comes crawling as fast as he can.

This boob rejection started 4 days ago and it’s getting worse. Today I have almost no milk and am hardly feeling let-downs. On the occasions he does ask to nurse, he pops off before any milk even has a chance to come down.

Part of this is probably because he is obsessed with practicing walking! He can walk but chooses to crawl most of the time. He walked from the TV to the couch today which is across the room. He is getting really good at it but he lacks confidence just yet to give up crawling entirely. But he practices all day! Maybe he is letting go of nursing as a way to assert his new-found independence. Or maybe he’s just tired of it. And outgrowing it.

Honestly, I thought he may well be coming up on age 2 and me having to wean him. Instead, he’s doing it on his own. It’s a good thing, but also really hard for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to nurse a baby again and our breastfeeding relationship has been so great. I’ll miss that bonding time terribly!! I savor that time to snuggle Levi and I absolutely love that my body feeds him. I didn’t know if breastfeeding would work for me (us) and I’m so thankful that it did and so sad to see it end. It was hard when Tru weaned but I was pregnant again already so that just made sense. This though, this just feels hard. I know some people might not understand but it’s just the way I feel and that’s that.

Three years ago when I started this blog, I was part-way through my second IVF cycle and desperate to make a connection with someone who could relate to what I was going though. I had plenty of family and friends who did their utmost to be there for me and who were/are so supportive and loving and really helped to give me strength through what had been a long 4.5 year battle with infertility. But as much as I loved and appreciated their support (and still am so thankful for their support and prayers and desire to understand) sometimes I just wanted to talk to someone who understood. Someone who I didn’t have to explain things to and didn’t have to try not to offend with my anger. And I had things I wanted to share with others too! Support I wanted to give; to be that listening ear. God, in His unwavering faithfulness carried me through and I wanted to share that with everyone. If it wasn’t for God, I wouldn’t have made it 4.5 years without a single friend who really knew or understood what I was feeling.

I had found forums where I could discuss things with “cycle buddies” and didn’t have to explain procedures to and I had seen that a few of them had blogs. I started reading a blog or two and thought, I’d like to try that. But I really didn’t dream I would ever have over a hundred followers reading my own blog! I just really needed a place to journal my feelings and progress and hopefully find a few friends who could relate. WOW, you all really came through!! The sense of community and support was overwhelming and it really helped to lift my spirit during a tough time. Then, once I was treading the new, frightening yet exciting waters of pregnancy after infertility, I found a whole new world of support I was not expecting I would even need, let alone, find. Pregnancy after infertility is different. At least it certainly has been for me and I know a lot of others who would vouch for that as well as parenting after infertility. I had a whole different set of fears and struggles that I wasn’t aware would come up and I found a whole community here waiting to share their support once again. I couldn’t thank you enough.

I know that word *support* keeps coming up… because that’s what it’s all about! Thank you for reading along and sharing your stories and for letting me share mine. 🙂

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