Archives for the month of: January, 2013

Well, here I am on my ninth day of stimming. I have been oh so terrible at keeping this updated! Between going to the doctor for my every other day appointments, and trying to remember to live the rest of my life, it’s hard to keep updating. So far so good. I have an appointment in the morning and hopefully will find out when I trigger. At my appointment yesterday morning I had 9 good size follicles and a bunch of small ones. My estrogen level was a lot lower than last time and I must admit I do feel a lot better this time so far! I was hoping for a little bit more than 9 follicles since I want eggs to freeze but I’ll take what I can get at this point. I’ll put all the details into my IVF#2 protocol page.
      Sometimes I just sit here and seriously wonder how I’ve gotten this far. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be doing IVF I would not have believed you. I wouldn’t have wanted to in the first place. I remember how I used to judge people who worked to have a baby so hard. Actually I’ve never even know anyone who’s done IVF so their efforts were far from what I’m doing now! I always wondered why they couldn’t just content themselves with adopting a child. Oh how naive I was! I understand now… Maybe someday I will adopt a child but when/if I do, I want to do it for the right reasons and not because infertility has forced me to walk down that path. I feel like no child should be brought into a home were the parent doesn’t truly embrace that idea. And I don’t embrace that idea yet. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not just giving a needing child a home. Maybe someday I will get to that point… But not because infertility has forced me to. It will have to be a work that God does in my heart. I don’t know why I just went down that rabbit trail. I guess it’s just something I’ve been thinking about.
        I have been so nauseous for about 4 or 5 days now. I didn’t feel this way on my last cycle and I know that stim medicine is not supposed to cause nausea. I keep thinking that I’m coming down with the flu. I don’t know what the deal is but it sure is annoying! I wouldn’t mind if it was morning sickness or something fun like that. 😉 And my poor vein in my arm has been poked so much this week that I have a huge bruise on my arm and its so sore in that spot. What I wouldn’t do for a baby!!!! I realized the extent of this truth when my latest medicine arrived in the mail being derived from the intestinal mucos of some creature. Eww… and I have to inject that! In fact, these days it seems I put a veritable cocktail in my body! So many hormones. To demonstrate here’s a picture.

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Everything in this picture is being used on my current cycle. So far I have used a vial of Lupron and started in on a new one, 1 – 900 IU and 1 – 300 IU pen of Gonal – F, I have 2 Ovidrel injections to take 36 hours before egg retrieval. After egg retrieval I start on an antibiotic to prevent infections, at that time I also start once daily lovenox injections and once daily PIO injections and baby asprin. There is also some good old valium to take before egg retrival and embryo transfer but I got by last time without taking it so who knows! It does freak me out on a regular basis just how much stuff I put in my body. Like I said, what I wouldn’t do for a baby!!!
      I just can’t wait until all this struggle is a thing of the past and I get to be worried about my brand new baby instead of the lack thereof. Sometimes when I’m facing this I just feel like there’s no end in sight. I could give up, but if I give up then I haven’t accomplished anything and all the struggle has just been in vain. With my last IVF, I really didn’t think I would ever do it again unless I was trying for sibling for my baby. But I’ve decided I’m not going to try to number my cycle attempts in my mind anymore. What happens, happens. It takes as many tries as it takes and I can’t force it to take any less. Yes, there has to be a balance and I can’t spend my entire life on infertility treatments but I don’t want to limit what is supposed to be… I would hate to think that I gave up 1 cycle before my baby was going to be created. God is the giver of life, even in IVF. I give this cycle to Him. What He chooses to do is His will.

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I started my stims tonight! I am really hoping it helps with all the hot flashes I’ve been having. Just getting a few hours sleep has become almost impossible between kicking the covers on/ off and waking up just about in a panic because of the heat. And here we are in the dead of winter! But I am assured that my gonal-f medicine has so much estrogen that the hot flashes will soon be gone… I sure hope so. Something that is not soon to be gone however, and is a byproduct of my last IVF, is my lovely new happy trail. I’m almost proud of it, the way it has grown in so nice and bushy and dark. It pretty much starts up around my cleavage and runs oh so nice in a straight line all the way down to…  well you get the point. I was really shocked to see it coming in during my last IVF. I don’t know exactly when it started or what caused it but I sure do hope it doesn’t expect to get much thicker during this IVF. Because if it does I doubt I’ll be able to find my stomach for those lovely shots.
      I had absolutely the most.   deadbeat nurse that I have ever seen in my life come in to prep me for my SHG. Despite her lack of personality however, I really liked her. I was just so absolutely set on making her crack a smile. I nearly succeeded when I whispered to her about my happy trail. She said sometimes that happens and when I asked her when it will fall out she said after a while, At which point my DH was surely breathing a sigh of relief.
      I have a feeling though that it will be awhile before anyone gets any relief from my hormones. I hear it gets worse during pregnancy which is fine by me as long as there’s a baby at the end of the tear stained pathway. I literally cry about everything now. I used to think that people were being dramatic when they would say things like they cry at a commercial. I can totally relate now and I do cry about commercials…and songs, and music videos and just about anything. Its so weird for me. My DH laughs at me, errr with me i mean. And then the other day I was reading the blog of a fellow IVFer and something that she said made me laugh so hard I cried. Laid on the floor crying… I just don’t know if 2 months in a row of IVF drugs is really very healthy. I would have let myself have a little more time in between, but I didn’t want my lovely DH stuck at a job he hates forever just so I could have IVF insurance. Yes, I know all of you fellow IVFers probably hate me now. I am one of the very very very blessed few who just so happen to have limited but still great infertility coverage. There is a price to pay though and that is that my DH has to work third shift over an hour away 10 hours a day. But he’s nice like that. Actually it came as a complete shock to us that we had infertility coverage, after we had saved up for IVF for almost a year. My DH got laid off and had to just take the first thing that came along at a factory which just so happened to have that coverage… Okay I’m done trying to cover my guilt. But I guess God knew we would need it since here we are again. And don’t worry, we paid for 2 surgeries out of pocket and 2 IUIs. Over the course of our TTC history probably close to 10,000 dollars I would imagine. Ouch. But a baby is worth any amount. Nothing is too extravagant to me if it means we get a baby. DH says I’m crazy, but I know he feels the same.
     I feel like I lose my appetite on the Lupron. When I really felt the most amazing during my IVF cycle was right after I took my Ovidrel. We stayed in a hotel the night before my ER and despite my enormous grapefruit ovaries I ate like a pig!! I ate the whole evening and I’m usually someone who eats like a bird. It was great! That’s when I decided that if hCG is a pregnancy hormone, and that’s the main ingredient of Ovidrel i think, then I should feel amazing during pregnancy! Right?? Okay I’m rambling. Enough for now. Thanks for reading. 🙂

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My DH an I were shopping and I came across this adorable sleeper. I’ve never done anything like this before… buying an outfit for a baby I don’t have…. But I felt very strongly that I should purchase it, bring it home and pray over it that God will fill this little outfit this year with a baby of our own. If there is anyone out there who sees this and wants to send up a prayer too it would be most appreciated! As an infertile, I have come to feel that there’s no hope a baby could ever grow in my womb. I want to cast aside all of those doubts and believe that my God is bigger than any of the things that infertility can throw my way. Not that I have ever doubted that God is able, but I have doubted that He is willing. Part of that whole “I can’t be disappointed if I don’t expect it” mentality. Infertility with all of the loneliness and sadness has caused me to expect less so that I won’t be as disappointed, but in the long run it doesn’t help. There has actually been several studies done that show that depression and not staying possitive can decrease your chance of getting pregnant during IVF. And even though I doubt the credibility of this research, why not give positivity a shot this time!! If it doesn’t work I have plenty of time to grieve later.

I’m so thrilled to be making my first post on this new blog! For months now I’ve been feeling
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like I should do something like this. I don’t know if it’s because someone out there in internetland needs to read this or if it’s just to get another way of coping for me. During my struggles with infertility I have drawn so much comfort from reading the blogs of others experiencing the same things as I have. Especially those who have pulled through and now have their beautiful baby(s). 🙂 I have no idea what the future holds for me, of course I hope for the best. Possibly this blog could give support to someone else going through this. Infertility is not something you should have to face on your own. I am so thankful to God for my wonderful husband. He has been supportive beyond my highest expectations. I am currently on my second IVF cycle. My first IVF cycle was just 2 months ago and I never thought I would have the strength to pick myself up and try again, but here I am!
I had an appointment today with my new RE. We did one of those lovely SIS/SHG things where they flush the uterus with saline solution on an ultrasound to look for polyps ect. The doctor deemed my uterus as being “beautiful”. My ears heard him but my mind still wonders why a perfectly beautiful uterus has never managed to carry a pregnancy. At any rate we’re moving right along I am set to start stims on Friday.
My protocol is somewhat different this time from last time in that I am still stimming with
Gonal-F but at a lower dose of 150iu per evening and my Lupron decreasing to 5iu through the stim phase. My new RE wants me to stim slower and longer. Also adding PIO injections versus Crinone and starting Lovenox soon. I was just diagnosed MTHFR after my last cycle. I have 2 copies of C677T so I will also be adding baby aspirin.
Fingers crossed, but more importantly lots of prayers!! God bless everyone who reads this and I hope that your dreams will come true, as well as mine, very soon! Babydust and sticky vibes to everyone 🙂

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