Warning: this post will be full of triggers… miscarriage described in detail. Please do not read if you will be upset by it.

November is here and it’s harder than I’d hoped. I should be due this month. November 26th. I should be 36 weeks pregnant by now. I should be having Braxton Hicks and restless legs and pelvic pain keeping me up at night while I anticipare the arrival of our baby in 2-3 weeks. But instead I’m up tonight with waves of still present grief, so I decided it’s time to write it all out.

March 5th… headed off to Florida for our month long respite from winter. I neglected to pack my pregnancy prevention because I didn’t think I’d be ovulating while in Florida (pcos). Turns out, I was wrong.

March 16th. I’d been at the dollar store and grabbed a couple pregnancy test for literally no reason. I just saw them and bought two. I knew we’d dtd without prevention and if I’d been ovulating, I should be 11dpo. So I took a test, just cause. I couldn’t believe my eyes when it came up positive. I was in so much denial, I really thought it was faulty. So I took the second one. It was positive too. They were super super faint and I was just like, well, probably a bad batch and just weird or something. But the next morning I had the urge to go get another brand. So when that came out positive too, I had to belive it. But honestly, it didn’t really sink in until I took a digital test later that day while at the park with the kids. I sat at a picnic table while they played and set the test, that I’d just taken in the restroom, on the table and waited the 3 minutes for the result. Finally, I believed it. Honestly, it had felt terrifying and slightly unsettling before, but now it felt absolutely perfect. I was just awash with peace and love.

So, we enjoyed our vacation with our little secret baby on board (we didn’t tell the kids yet) and picked out a name and took pics on the beach and designed an announcement photo to send out after the ultrasound. I added the sneak peek gender test to my online cart so we could tell everyone the gender with the pregnancy announcement. Matt started shopping around online for a new vehicle, we reconfigured the kids’ rooms in our minds… it was all perfect.

At 5 weeks 6 days, I booked a super early reassurance ultrasound at a boutique. I wasn’t having morning sickness anymore and I had a nagging worry that things weren’t progressing properly. My dr had sent scripts into the pharmacy in Florida and I’d been taking my shots and progesterone etc, but something felt wrong. Knowing it was probably too early for a conclusive ultrasound, I hoped maybe we’d see some reassuring signs. There was sac and what looked to be a yolk sac. There was no obvious fetal pole or heartbeat, although we thought we did see a fetal pole briefly. The ultrasound was abdominal, so the sonographer apologized that it was just too early but everything looked good. I felt somewhat better but just didn’t seem like I could shake the thought of something being wrong, due to my morning sickness being gone while usually I’m sick as a dog and on meds.

6 weeks 2 days. We’d gotten home the day before and straight away I went for an hcg level check. It was only 9,000. It could be ok, but I knew it wasn’t. I went in that afternoon for an ultrasound and was devastated that the pregnancy sac had collapsed and my body hadn’t recognized the loss yet. I was told it would be a heavy period. It wasn’t.

I don’t share this bit to scare anyone, but this was my honest experience. 6 weeks 4 days, I started bleeding. At 6 weeks 5 days, I passed a lot of tissue while in the bathroom at the bmv, of all places. At 6 weeks 6 days, I went to bed with a low back ache and cramps but I thought things were about over. The next morning, when I should have been 7 weeks, I woke up with cramps that soon led in to contractions coming every minute or so. Nowhere near as painful as full term labor, but uncomfortable and it scared me. I went to the shower and wanted to be alone. After awhile, there was a gentle urge to push. Then a very large placenta, for my dates. Still a mystery and the Dr even sent it for testing because apparently it shouldn’t have been so. But it was. And it was a horrible and scary and devastating experience. I cried for days. I was told it would be a heavy period. I wish I had been prepared.

The grief felt really immense at first and like it was consuming me. I functioned for my kids, but it was hard. Then I became more functional and spent less time hiding in the shower to cry. I could go days without crying, I could even feel joy again. But I never forget my baby. It’s as if I’ve been mourning the collective losses of all my babies that I’ve lost but didn’t get the same chance to bond with. It’s been hard. Some days I think I’m ok. Other days, I know I’m not healed yet. Honestly, I know it’ll always hurt. This summer was awful in and of itself, in many ways, and not a time to consider purposely getting pregnant. But I wish I still had my baby. My heart aches for what could have been and I’m sure now that I do want another baby, but I don’t know what is best for our family. I wish … I just wish I hadn’t lost it. It was so perfect. I’ll love my little one forever, and treasure them always. ❤️