Archives for posts with tag: pregnancy anxiety

Everything was chugging along. I was having several days of great morning sickness and starting to feel an iota of confidence. I was happily counting down the days until my ultrasound appointment (five) and feeling like I was actually doing really well with pregnancy the second time around. Not feeling too negative or anxious. Not wishing the days away. Just enjoying every day as I truly have learned that there is no “safe” point in pregnancy. On the day Tru was born, he was in distress. There really is no 100% safe time in pregnancy – or in life in general really. 

 

Anyways, all that confidence and good feelings left yesterday and I am feeling powerless to get back to that good place. Yesterday I did not feel pregnant. At all really. My morning sickness was gone! Gone was all the gagging and churning and having to sit down to get through a tough spot of nausea. I absolutely cannot stand how pregnancy symptoms come and go. I know that they come and go. I know that it is ok. But when they go, you don’t know when or if they are coming back. And if you have morning sickness and then it goes away and doesn’t come back….. It can be a very not good thing. 

 

This is the hardest point in pregnancy though. The point where you can’t use a doppler, haven’t had ultrasound proof of a baby, can’t go to triage and get an NST if you are worried, can’t do kick counts. The health of the baby is totally out of my control right now. I have to trust God to take care of everything in there. God, please watch over this little baby and sustain it’s life according to Your will. In Jesus’ name, amen. I have to trust that everything is alright even though I don’t always feel that way.

 

I would take some prayers for morning sickness though… 😉 

… and trying not to poop my pants. Why does stress do this to me? URGGG! I woke up early this morning and couldn’t fall asleep again so I headed off for my beta which is good because they should have it back before noon which means that by the time they notice it on the fax machine, the Dr signs off on it, the nurse calls me and I get up the guts to answer the phone, it should be about closing time. 

 

My nausea keeps going bye bye. I hate that! I know morning sickness is not necessary but it makes me feel better. Who doesn’t feel better when they are barfing? I mean, come on. 

 

I did great yesterday at controlling my nervousness. I didn’t freak out a single time. I have made up for it in the 3 hours I have been awake today though. 

 

Also, I’m thinking my progesterone must have actually been low because they ordered another progesterone test and this Dr is usually not big on checking progesterone in my experience. I hope the 1ml shot of PIO I am on is enough at the moment. I would be more than happy to bump it up though. 

 

Ok, enough jabbering. Dear God, please let me get good beta results according to Your will. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

After repeated calls to the clinic all resulting in being sent to voicemail, I finally caved and asked the front desk for a nurse. (I know they have a billion other patients but come on people, I’m special. 😉 J/K) The front desk lady was RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!! She said things like “If you would let me talk…” and “If you would have started by letting me know you talked to Becky….”. She was trying to set me up for an appointment to get my results. I believe my exact answer was “No frickin’ way!!” She obviously didn’t like that. I told her I didn’t care which nurse I talked to. She was stuck on Becky because I talked to Becky yesterday. I said it didn’t matter and she said “Actually, that’s not the way it works.” Very condescending. I kindly hung up on her whilst saying thank you. That’s nice right? No? My bad. Remind me not to go to that clinic any more. They are too far away anyways…. 

 

Ok, now that I have that off my chest!! The number came back at 459 which doubled from 176 two days ago and is a doubling time of 30.37 hours which is awesome. That is a much more acceptable number according to Dr Google. I am shocked because I had actually given up. My back has ached so bad today since the middle of the night. It is crazy bad. I finally took some Tylenol and it didn’t do a thing!! I also haven’t eaten today yet. I tried to eat some crackers but I almost threw up. I wasn’t sure if it was stress causing the sickies or a baby. I guess it was the baby. I feel better now though so…. 

 

That’s about the gist of it all. I guess we will start PIO tonight since it arrived today. I’m done cheating to get extra betas. I swear. No, I actually don’t swear. We shall see, ok? How’s that?

 

Dear God, Thank You for a good beta today!! Please continue to provide according to Your will. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

The nurse’s line says to allow 72 hours for her to call. 72 hours? I think I would personally break into the lab at the hospital and read my own results before then… Ok, not seriously…. Well, maybe…. No. But what are they thinking???? HIRE SOME MORE NURSES MAYBE IF YOU ARE THAT SHORTHANDED!!!! 

I am getting ready to go for another beta. I have been up since around 4am this morning full of cramps, back pain and fear. The intense nausea I felt yesterday and had been feeling increasingly for the last week or so it much subsided. But that happened a lot in my pregnancy with Tru. Come and go symptoms for weeks. My POAS was lighter today than the first one I took but yesterday’s was darker than the day before. I am obsessing too much. Those things are crap anyways…. I hope. 

 

Incidentally, today is our 6th wedding anniversary. Yesterday we spent the day browsing the Amish stores in our area and walking out at the lake. A relaxed and happy day. A good distraction. But today Dh is back at work and I am a googleaholic. 

 

I wish I never googled “hcg 176 at 17dpo” or “hcg 176 at 16dpo” which is probably where I was when I had my first beta. Let me tell you… not a lot of encouraging stories with betas that low that late. I also feel terrible for googling it because – God has already done the impossible. I already got pregnant naturally which was NEVER supposed to happen. So why am I doubting that this baby will stick around? 

 

I can’t seem to sense the presence of this little one which DH thinks is a bunch of silliness anyways. But I swear, I could sense Tru’s presence as well as the presence of the other babies I had transfered and I could tell when they had gone. DH thinks I only sensed their presence because I knew they had been transfered. Maybe. But it is making me nervous. 

 

The cramping doesn’t help either. I had loads of it with Tru and would be worried if I didn’t have any but this low back pain is pretty disconcerting. 

 

Like I said, I should be trusting God. He’s already done the impossible. I just crave reassurance. I crave nice big beta numbers and good rises. The funny thing is, a cousin of DH’s posted her pregnancy announcement on FB yesterday. A positive confirmation pee test her Dr took. A pee test people. She was 4 weeks 5 days. A pee test. Not a beta. Normal people don’t usually do betas. They don’t sit around and stress out and loose sleep because their beta is a few points low or because it didn’t double as fast as lucy101 on babyandbump. Ya know what I mean? 

 

My RE called yesterday morning and told me that I definitely need to be on progesterone support. He wanted to order me Crinone but I HATE Crinone so he ordered me PIO. Butt shots are so much more preferable to oozy stuff in the whooha. Those shots are supposed to come today. Yesterday he had me take a Prometrium. I did have my progesterone checked but I don’t know if the results are back yet and they were low or if he is just being proactive. At any rate, he wouldn’t let me have another beta till Friday (!!!!) 4 days (4 DAYS) after the first one. Thankfully my regular GYNO’s office decided I could have one today. Pray for me, or rather, for the baby.

 

Dear God, please sustain the life of this precious little baby according to Your will. Thank You for the joy and blessing of carrying it and for the miracle that it is. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

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