Archives for posts with tag: Anxiety

Shew! After a night of tossing and turning and little sleep, I decided I needed another blood draw to give me some answers. So I went in yesterday (about 24 hours after my last PIO shot, that way my shot wouldn’t be falsely increasing the number) and I got my results today. 

Progesterone 41.1

Beta 18,698 doubing time of about 42 hours. 23 dpo ~ 5 weeks 2 days. 

So imagine my relief! My RE is checking my progesterone tomorrow but no point in checking beta again, which is fine with me. 

Ultrasound in 9 days (but I’m saying 8 since it’s in the morning 😉 ). I am still crossing my fingers that I won’t have a reaction to the PIO and talked to my pharmacy about compounding it so I don’t have to worry about the benzyl alcohol. They said they can do that, so yay!! 

Thanks for the encouragement on my last post. I emailed my RE and told him about the anxiety I was having over it all and he was very sympathetic, so I greatly appreciated that. Thank You, Dear Lord, for such great increases and reassurance. Thank You for being faithful and loving. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

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Three years ago when I started this blog, I was part-way through my second IVF cycle and desperate to make a connection with someone who could relate to what I was going though. I had plenty of family and friends who did their utmost to be there for me and who were/are so supportive and loving and really helped to give me strength through what had been a long 4.5 year battle with infertility. But as much as I loved and appreciated their support (and still am so thankful for their support and prayers and desire to understand) sometimes I just wanted to talk to someone who understood. Someone who I didn’t have to explain things to and didn’t have to try not to offend with my anger. And I had things I wanted to share with others too! Support I wanted to give; to be that listening ear. God, in His unwavering faithfulness carried me through and I wanted to share that with everyone. If it wasn’t for God, I wouldn’t have made it 4.5 years without a single friend who really knew or understood what I was feeling.

I had found forums where I could discuss things with “cycle buddies” and didn’t have to explain procedures to and I had seen that a few of them had blogs. I started reading a blog or two and thought, I’d like to try that. But I really didn’t dream I would ever have over a hundred followers reading my own blog! I just really needed a place to journal my feelings and progress and hopefully find a few friends who could relate. WOW, you all really came through!! The sense of community and support was overwhelming and it really helped to lift my spirit during a tough time. Then, once I was treading the new, frightening yet exciting waters of pregnancy after infertility, I found a whole new world of support I was not expecting I would even need, let alone, find. Pregnancy after infertility is different. At least it certainly has been for me and I know a lot of others who would vouch for that as well as parenting after infertility. I had a whole different set of fears and struggles that I wasn’t aware would come up and I found a whole community here waiting to share their support once again. I couldn’t thank you enough.

I know that word *support* keeps coming up… because that’s what it’s all about! Thank you for reading along and sharing your stories and for letting me share mine. 🙂

Just need to do a venting post. You can skip it or boo-hoo with me. It’s just whining anyways, nothing serious. But it feels good to get it off my chest.

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This is what I want. 365.

There’s just something about winter that makes me feel so blah and unproductive. I think bears have the right idea with hibernating through the nastiness. The cold, ice, snow, hazardous driving conditions, high electric bills… fingernails breaking off in the cold…. seriously… I lost 4 nails in 2 days! What part of that makes me want to go outside and, I don’t know, do stuff? Why do I live in a state who’s weather I am not fond of? It made our pipes freeze 2 days ago. Thankfully DH got the water running again… for now. Wind chill is a real thing!

Our 3.5 year old heat pump broke down a week and a half ago and we are waiting for the part to come in so the repairs can be done. And let me tell you, that part was not cheap! Yay, credit card! So we are running on emergency heat for now. That means we are keeping the house a toasty 65-66F at night and 66-67F during the day. Like I said, big whoop. I mean, there are tons of homeless people right now who would be more than happy to be here right now so I’m not about to complain about that. Except for the unexpected and unwelcome cost of repairs. I’m still going to complain about that a little.

I have been feeling some seasonal moodiness. Can you tell? I really despise winter. I really do. And it tends to put me in a bit of a bad mood. As much as I don’t like to get the babies out in the weather, I find it is vitally important for me to get out of the house! I don’t get out every day obviously but I definitely have to make a point of doing it several times a week minimum. Otherwise, I sit at home and worry about every single thing and I have way too much time to go over scenarios that end up worse case etc. It is annoying to me and a colossal waste of time seeing as 99% of the time, I am worried about things I cannot prevent. That is why adult interaction is vital to my mental health. Some physical exercise would be great too if it was warm enough outside. I miss walking with my SIL. We had a pretty great thing going with the twice weekly walks. We were up to 3.6 miles of hilly terrain pushing 80+ pounds with our double strollers. Weight was being lost. Muscles were being built…. It was a good thing. It needs to happen again. I’ve thought about joining a gym at least for the winter months but I don’t know that I would go often enough to make it worthwhile. Plus I’m super self conscious working out in front of people.

It would be so fun to go to a mom group but I don’t know of any close to where I live. Plus, I don’t really want the babies exposed to all the germs in the winter. Generally I don’t worry about germs and dirt and such but the flu is a particular thing I really don’t want my kids to have, not to mention myself and DH.

I’ve also been having a terrible time with not relaxing. I have such tense muscles all the time. I have been focusing the last week on loosening up and I think I am doing marginally better but only when I make the conscious effort to relax. I don’t know why I’m always tensed up like a cat getting ready to pounce but it’s annoying and giving  me  a  sore  neck. I stay  up  at night to  try  to  unwind  but then  I get upset that I’m missing out on sleep and will pay for it in the morning. I think the key would be to get up earlier so I have more time to myself in the morning. I need to get a shower, pump, read my Bible and pray and have breakfast in order to feel ready for the day. That takes a lot longer while getting the boys breakfast and nursing and changing them. It means that wherever we go, we have a late start for the day.

All in all, it’s just a season – literally and figuratively – winter, I won’t miss. The boys being little and demanding all my time and energy, I will miss. I am the type of person who thrives on being needed. If I’m not needed then I feel entirely useless. I have a lot of love to give and I enjoy taking care of people. Preferable my own little, cute people. So their needs are nothing I would ever complain about. But winter sucks. And static. Actually, static shocks but whatever.

    I’m upset today. This isn’t going to be a pretty post. This is what pregnancy after infertility is like for me. And its safe to say that a lot of other women who have gone through infertility and finally concieved probably feel similar. When you first get that positive test, its a flood of joy and hope. I always thought if I could just get pregnant I wouldn’t ever have to worry about infertility again. Prior to getting pregnant, I never worried about what would happen afterwards mostly because I really didn’t know if I would ever have that positive test. My concern was just never getting pregnant. Well 4 and a half billion years later, I got a positive beta after my second IVF. (Just a little history for those just now chiming in). I felt soooo thankful. So shocked. So excited. Within hours though, I was completely overcome with fear. Not fear of being pregnant or fear of being a mother but just shear, paralysing fear that now my baby(s) would be taken from me. And at this point, I loved them already and would have done ANYTHING to keep them alive. I found out at my 8 week ultrasound that 2 of my 3 transfered embabies had lived, grown for a few weeks and then stopped. My one little baby was still growing. I knew for whatever reason, the other 2 were gone and that made me want to hold on even tighter to the one remaining baby. I didn’t trust my body at all. I don’t and I never will. I’ve been let down too many times and my uterus is not what I consider a safe haven for a developing baby. Every cramp, every twinge, lack of symptoms, moving fast, not moving enough, what I ate… it all left me terrified. Then there was the spotting. I don’t expect anybody to feel sorry for me that I couldn’t “relax and enjoy being pregnant”. A stressful pregnancy is far better than no pregnancy at all and I’ve been infinitely grateful to have a baby to worry about these 6 months. I hope it stays with me and I get to continue being pregnant until its full term or safe enough to be born. I am however angry. Angry that I can’t get comfortable in this pregnancy. Angry that I love this baby more than anyone in this entire world but that I can’t bring myself to think positive thoughts about this pregnancy or the future. I’m mad that I havent been able to take the few items we bought (which was like pulling teeth to bring myself to just buy something for the baby) and remove the tags and hangers. I’m upset that I say things so guardedly. Like “if all goes well”, or “the plan is”, “hopefully”, or when the receptionist at the OB’s office tried to schedule my appointment for 2 months in advance that I told her we would cross that bridge when (if) we came to it. (This kind of talk will get you weird looks by the way.) I do enjoy being pregnant. That’s part of the problem. I’m afraid it will end too soon. I’m happy and excited about the baby. But I haven’t been brave enough to be excited about him being on the outside. Everytime he doesn’t move enough or moves too much or hiccups or his heartbeat sounds slow or fast, I think worst case scenario. I call my mom crying. I get stressed out and can’t function until things are back to “normal” which never lasts long because pregnancy is unpredictable. I never plan anything more than a half hour in advance. If we want to go somewhere, I usually wait to see how my current state of freaking out is before leaving. I haven’t stopped checking for blood 20 times a day. I probably ignore the things other pregnant women worry about. Those things seem petty. Someone said the other day “You didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl did you? Just as long as its healthy!” I thought to myself “Heck, who’s being picky?! As long as he’s alive!” Its strange to me that my pregnant cousin is riding a horse in a RODEO during pregnancy. I was scared to ride in a CAR in the beginning. I try to stay busy so I don’t have time to worry. Epic fail! I worry more because I’m not having enough time to feel his kicks and make sure he’s moving enough. I nearly flipped out at a baby shower because the mother said multiple times that her baby better be a girl. I thought “It better be alive! That’s all you can hope for. Aren’t you worried asking for more will tick off the powers of fate?” I don’t want to trade even one day of this pregnancy for anything. Every time I get 5 minutes of reassurance, its a miracle but I wouldn’t trade all this worry for anything. I’m sometimes jealous other women get to have worry-free (or at least not worry-consumed) pregnancies, but going through infertility has just made me appreciate every day and every minute with this baby more. I don’t really want what they have because this is the pregnancy I was meant to have. This worry is wrong though. I know I should be trusting God more and believe me, I really do try my best. I feel my body has let me down already in this pregnancy when I lost the other 2 babies and its hard to believe anything good. But I do try. Really I do. I know the pessimism isn’t going to help this baby. And I feel guilty to think of it in such guarded ways. I’m ready to do my baby shower registry but scared at the same time. This isn’t helping my baby. Its not helping me. Worrying about things out of my hands isn’t productive. God forgive me for my bad attitude and doubtfullness. This is pregnancy after infertility. This is pregnancy after every single reproductive thing going wrong. This is what its like when you know this might be your only go at pregnancy and when getting pregnant again wouldn’t be easy if it even were possible. This is what its like when that pregnancy innocence has been stolen by years of grief and let downs. Ignorance might be bliss. I don’t know. I’m not like other fertile pregos who either read the “complications of pregnancy” section of their pregnancy book and think “that won’t happen to me” or else they just don’t read it because they’re so darn confident. I read it and figured “Everything bad happened while concieving this baby. I know I’m not above devastation now. I know this stuff has to happen to somebody.” This baby is well worth every minute of worry and every second of fear. He’s worth all these years of trying and failing and pressing on and every single penny we spent trying to get help and finally, at long, long last – that positive beta. Those 2 pink lines. He’s worth every single tear I’ve cried and every prayer I’ve prayed. Maybe I will only be able to take this pregnancy one day at a time and just focus on enjoying the here and now and not trying to look ahead and plan the future. The future is up to God. Its my job to just take one moment at a time. God, I pray that You will be with me and this baby every moment and every day. Please lead us safely through this pregnancy. Please guard this baby from harm. Please put a hedge of protection around this baby and keep him safe no matter what. In Jesus name, amen.

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