Archives for the month of: February, 2013

     In all honesty, I thought the 2ww for an ultrasound would b alot easier than this. I figured it would be easier than the 2ww for beta because at least this time I know there is a baby in there. Right? Not exactly! First of all my pregnancy symptoms are so light and so come and go its ridiculous. If I had stronger symptoms it would be easier to believe the baby(s) ok but as it is I could practically forget I’m pregnant…. If I weren’t so obsessively worried. I nearly had a panic attack lastnight just because I’m so worried its not a healthy normal pregnancy due to the lack of nausea, tiredness, NORMAL pregnant people symptoms. *sigh* Its little comfort that my ultrasound is 2 days early. And I’ve been cramping like crazy!! Bad, awful, almost like AF cramps that have me checking the TP every chance I get. Is my RE concerned? No! And I’m just thinking this must be another idea on the “how to torture an infertile” list.
         I don’t want to get an early ultrasound because something is going wrong… I just think its unfair my clinic makes me wait. What’s the harm of me coming in a week early and getting to see a sack? Its proof of something at least. I don’t know how all the other brave women get through this time without going crazy. Wait … yes I do know. They have symptoms like normal people and nice RE’s who don’t make them wait 2 weeks after last beta.
        I’m obviously a compulsive worrier and if anyone read this whole thing, I owe you big time. Sorry for being such a ranter.

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        According to Google that’s the size of a baby at week 5. Incidentally I’ve been craving granny smith apples like crazy! I guess that’s fitting. And to think that last week according to Google our baby(s) was only the size of a poppy seed! They grow up so fast. 😉 I just couldn’t resist posting that picture. I love my little Appleseed(s). 🙂

    Beta number 3 is in at 7,487!!! So a doubling rate of about 41 hours. No more betas unless something new arises. For now its on to another loooooong 2 week wait for my 7 week ultrasound, where the nurse said we will count the babies and should be able to hear their heartbeats…. yeah, I heard it in the plural! Today I’m just happy to have my beta and trying to relax for a few days…. I know I will most likely be a basket case before the ultrasound. The waiting is so hard! But tonight I am content. Thank you God for today’s awesome beta! In Jesus name, amen

    I guess I just need a moment to talk about my fears. Why can’t I just be calm, excited and enjoying this pregnancy? Why am I living every day in fear? My 3rd beta is tomorrow although I probably won’t get the results until the day after. In a way, I can’t wait for the results! But then again I’m quite nervous because “what if”. I know I shouldn’t be thinking that way. I ought to be trusting God that it will be awesome just like my other two betas were. After all, God brought us this far…  I’m just so afraid. I guess because I don’t really feel too pregnant yet. I find it hard to say those words “I’m pregnant”. Its like I’m afraid I will jinx myself. And I’m not even superstitious!
     There are so many encouraging stories online of women who had success with IVF and had easy, healthy pregnancies but I can’t get my mind off the 20% of women who have miscarriages.
    I need to count the things I’m thankful for…
I’m thankful that I have something or rather someone to worry about.
I’m thankful for every sour stomache moment.
I’m thankful for a sore butt from 3 weeks of PIO.
I’m thankful for beta tests instead of waiting for a baby belly like back in the day.
I’m thankful for IVF.
I’m thankful for my DH who, although he’s not perfect, is perfect for me and is already immersed in the idea of being a daddy.
      See, I have a lot to be thankful for today, and Lordwilling, I will still have a lot to be thankful for tomorrow.

     I had my second beta at 16dpo and it was over 800. I dont remember the exact number because I was just so relieved that it was still going up. I think it was a doubling time of somewhere around 50 hours. My RE called to congratulate me and he said that was a strong number and that there might be more than one still growing. I know that betas vary and aren’t really a great judge of things like multiples so I’m trying not to read too much into it. DH on the other hand is SURE we are having triplets. Time will tell!
        My abdomen is huge HUGE! My ovaries are still very swollen and painful and I love it. To me that’s a reassuring sign of high hCG. Even though it means I can’t get comfortable at night and am still experiencing a lot of cramping. Sometimes the cramping is bad and feels like AF. That’s always scary. Aside from that, I just have mild nausea that comes and goes, metalic taste in my mouth sometimes and my feet are always freezing ever since ET. I’m ravishingly hungry too! I get so scared when my symptoms let up. Totally paranoid. I need good strong MS to ease my fears. 😉
       My next beta is 22dpo. My clinic likes to wait a year in between betas just to torture me. Actually, I love my clinic and my RE, but they do wait too long for everything in my impatient opinion. My first U/S isn’t until 7 weeks! I’m so anxious for a head count. My Mom and sisters are already trying to plan my baby shower. They informed me that they are having a diaper shower which I am thilled about! Especially if we have multiples. I am a little worried that we might be getting a little too excited for being so early on, but I’m trying to have faith.
       I had the babies prayed over at church yesterday. It was a teary event to finally get to ask prayer for our babies instead of for our fertility. Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I pray that God continues to sustain the lives of these precious little ones according to His will. I love them so very much!

I am in shock, absolute shock!!! My beta came back today at 250 (drawn yesterday). The nurse never called me so I finally called her and asked her the number. When she told me I just burst out crying and crying and crying and had to get off the phone. Then I just dropped to my knees and thanked God. When my DH came into the house I was still sobbing my eyes out. He thought it was negative then. I read all these places where people say after the first beta that they are cautiously optimistic. I’m just flat out excited and I know I probably shouldn’t be getting quite so excited quite so soon but I can’t help it! We’ve already told practically everyone. I really hope I have a good number on the 15th when I have my next beta….
      My symptoms so far have been nausea for the last 4 days, extra saliva and a taste of metal at all times in my mouth. I didn’t bother to mention the symptoms to DH because I thought it was probably estrogen related. But my ovaries have swollen back up and are painfull again. I had such bad cramps last night it woke me up several times. I still have not peed on a stick but I think I will soon because I want to see one positive finally!
      These are the things that I did differently this cycle, but I’m not saying this is why it worked so far.
Ate pineapple core and soaked my feet in hot water for 5 days after transfer.
Did no bed rest – just lived pretty normally. I did rest on the day of ET though.
Took lovenox and baby aspirin for MTHFR mutation.
Used PIO instead of crinone.
Used the Vivelle dot patch.
Laid on my stomach for 15 minutes after ET.
Stressed a lot less.
And above all else… tried to trust that God would work it all out. Something that I’m still working on. After so many years of infertility I am still in shock. I didn’t think that it could happen. I really didn’t. I had all but given up yesterday, I wanted to quit my shots and everything. Oh God, please make this continue to work out according to Your will. Please continue to sustain the lives of these precious little ones. In Jesus name, Amen.

    As implied by my title I am hoping to go for a beta test in the morning. I’m going to try and get in with my family doctor for an early beta at 12 days past ovulation. I don’t really think that 12dpo is that early for a beta test, but for some reason my RE is convinced I need to wait until 16dpo (So that I don’t get my hopes up in case it’s a chemical I think). But to me a chemical would be the farthest I’ve ever gotten and quite an encouragement! So I’ll take a chemical at this point and I better daggone well find out if I have one!!! Why don’t I just POAS you might ask? Well, because IIIII am convinced that the devil sits in hell and makes pregnancy tests himself and that every time I throw out a negative one, he snatches it from the garbage and takes it back to hell with him and laughs his head off. I’m demented I know. But if you’ve seen as many blank or negative tests as I have… you understand.
   I’m still having cramping which drives me crazy and causes me great worry. I have overcome my fear of the estrogen patch now though. Thank you to those who commented and eased my fears. I have felt so much better mentally since I put the patch on. It just seems like estrogen makes me happy. Just like I always feel incredible whenever I’m stimming aside from the huge ovaries. But when I really really feel the best is after my HCG trigger shot. Yes the shot kills my ovaries but also gives me an appetite and just makes me feel wonderful! It’s a shame that I have to go through IVF to feel so great. And it’s a shame that I have to suffer through a very wicked 2 week wait. Yet, it’s a blessing too because this might be the only amount of time I ever get to carry my precious babies for. If I didn’t go through IVF I wouldn’t know that I was pregnant at this point and I wouldn’t get to experience the joy of knowing that there are indeed little lives inside of me even if for only 2 weeks. Maybe I’m grasping at straws but I’m trying to count my blessings too.

I’m falling apart! The day before yesterday I talked to my nurse at the clinic about hot flashes I have started experiencing. In my last cycle I got them terribly during the 2 week wait so when I started having them this time I freaked out. She asked the doctor about it for me and he said he would prefer that I did nothing but if I really wanted to I could start taking vivelle dot patches… By the next day I was only experiencing a few hot flashes but I decided to go ahead and start the patches anyways because I didn’t want them to get worse… No sooner did I put them on than I decided to look at Dr. Google. I don’t know why I did that I’m so stupid sometimes! 1,000,000,000 frown faces to whoever thought it would be nice to post that extra estrogen in the 2 week wait can cause the embryos to suffocate… Just what I needed to hear. NOT! So now, not only is it the weekend and I can’t get ahold of my doctor but I also don’t even know why he didn’t want me to take them in the first place! And why he didn’t want to check my estrogen before he gave them to me! In my brain I know that he probably gave me a very low dose just so I would feel happy but I’ve never had any experience with estrogen patches so I really don’t know what a normal dose is. And to top it off I’m still experiencing mild hot flashes. Grrrrr. My RE doesn’t do any monitoring in the 2 week wait which I find absolutely stupid. Check my freakin blood every other day for the whole stim phase, monitor me like it’s going out of style then as soon as you transfer the embryos collect your money and drop me. I know that I’m not being fair and that my RE does care about whether I get pregnant or not because it affects his clinics rates and I assume he has a good heart to be doing what he does, but this is a rant post! And this is how I feel at the moment. So now I’m afraid I could be hurting my embabies with this estrogen. God help me!!! I hate the 2ww! Please if anyone reads this who has any advise to offer please help me out. Oh by the way did I mention that my previous RE told me after my last cycle that hot flashes in the 2 week wait usually means lack of implantation… I’m trying to stay positive here! Go away internal campfire. If I’m cold Ill get a freakin blanket.

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    Well here we are 5 days past transfer already. Our doctor felt that a 2 day transfer would be better for our embabies since we only have 3. This is their first picture and Lord willing there will be many more to come. I’m in love with them already. I so hope that they will live and implant. They are all grade2,  4cell. But to me they’re absolutely perfect! So far I’ve been very sleepy and very hungry. That’s the same symptoms I had with my last IVF for the first week. After that I started having anxiety attacks. 😦 I sincerly hope that doesn’t happen this time. I like being tired and napping all day, and being hungry and nibbling all evening… it passes the time! Yesterday I started having some cramping and that has carried over into today as well. Please God let this be implantation!!
      I’ve been soaking my feet in warm water everyday for just a few minutes. I read somewhere, sometime that it helps to keep circulation going to the uterus. Who knows! But I thought it was worth a try. I’ve also been eating a piece of pineapple core everyday. That alone should prove how bad I want this to work. I hate pineapple! It almost makes me gag but I’ve been putting it in a smoothie. I just hold my nose and chug it down.
      My lovenox injections have my tummy pretty badly bruised now. I don’t like those shots because they burn so much, but what’s my moto?? Anything for my baby(s)!
      When DH gave my PIO shot the other night, I got the giggles for some reason. I never find the PIO shot itself to be painful in the least. In fact, it’s really not any worse than a Lupron injection with an insulin needle. I know that must sound ridiculous considering that my DH shoves nearly a whole inch and a half of huge needle into my behind. I must be going numb back there now or something. Anyways, I get more of a tickling sensation when the needle is in… So my DH says to me, as I’m laughing my head off, “blood is spewing out”!! He was starting to genuinely freak which was just making me laugh harder and harder because that’s the nice kind of person that I am. He finally pulled out the needle and showed me how it was covered in blood. I started laughing even harder. I don’t know what possessed me but I guess the idea of laying there with my naked butt up in the air “spewing” blood was just too much for my hormone addled brain. I finally got up the nerve to look back and found a small pen head amount of blood. So, I guess DH is just queasy. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have AF!!! He’s such a trooper. I couldn’t do this without him. For more reasons than just the obvious!
      If only there was some way to make time pass until beta day. The whole process of IVF is a mere walk in the park compared to the 2 week wait. It might as well be 2 years, or 2 decades, or 2 lifetimes. Once it’s over it seems like it went pretty fast but at the time, it just drags by. I guess in a way, if it’s bad news I never want to find out. But if it’s good news I just can’t wait! Heck, I’ve already waited 4 and a half years. I think that they ought to just knock me unconscious until beta day. After all, they tell me to relax! And that is basically impossible when I’m worried about little embabies. Oh well. It’s not like I’m the only one who’s ever had to wait… I guess.
      Another thing I hate is that
stupid term PUPO, a.k.a. “pregnant until proven otherwise”.  I hate it because it says pregnant UNTIL proven OTHERWISE, like there’s no possitive alternative! It sounds so gloom and doom. Perhaps if it said pregnant UNLESS proven otherwise. I don’t know I just want to be pregnant and not proven anything but pregnant for a whole freakin 9 months. That would be an absolute dream come true. An answer to my dearest prayer. Oh God, please sustain the lives of these babies You have created, according to Your will. In Jesus name, amen.

   Well what a whirlwind of the last few days! At my follicle check on Monday I had 11 mature follicles and my estrogen was 3761. I took my last dose of Lupron that night along with my trigger shot of Ovidrel. I had been feeling incredibly nauseous the last few days and I could tell I was coming down with a UTI so I had them check me for one on Monday and yep! Sure enough I had a full blown urinary tract infection. So on Tuesday I started on macrobid. I was feeling quite a bit worse by then and I had to stay at a hotel near my doctor that night so I would be close for my appointment first thing Wednesday morning.
     I was at the hotel about 3 hours when lo and behold there goes a bedbug walking right across my sheet. I grabbed the bug and took it to the front desk where the clerk tried to tell me it was an ant. Okay, I might look stupid but I did used to have an ant farm and that was no freakin ant. They wouldnt refund my money, but who cares, I certainly wasn’t staying there after that!!! So, on to another hotel where I stayed up half the night washing and drying my clothes and taking a shower hoping to kill any bed bugs that may have gotten on me. It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking of it. After a full night of freaking out and not too much sleep, I got up to go to my appointment which I was nearly 20 minutes late for due to getting lost coming from the other direction. And all the while desperately trying to keep that vial of DH’s liquid gold warm. I felt a lot better once I took my valium. I hardly cared anymore. The nurse took 3 tries to get me hooked up to my IV and then another poke for a blood draw. So 4 nice pretty bruises. Then they took me back to a room, knocked me out and that’s pretty much the last thing I remember till I woke up. I have somewhat distant and blurry thoughts of words that I heard them say but it’s hard to know if it was a dream or not. The doctor retrieved 9 eggs, 5 of which were mature and 3 fertilized. Since we only have 3 he’s shooting for a day 2 transfer which is tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.
      I feel pretty good today aside from that “kicked in the ovaries” feeling. DH has been so good at giving me my progesterone shots the last 2 nights. I really don’t think the poke is too bad, it’s just all the pain afterwards that I don’t like. Kinda feels like someone kicked me in my butt cheeks. I tried putting a hot pack on afterwards and massaging and I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if I hadnt done that. But really it’s the lovenox injections that I hate. Boy do those sting!! I can’t wait until Sunday so I can take my tummy to church and have them pray over these embabies. The only thing is it will be a bit hard to tell everyone about these embabies when I haven’t told a lot of them about our IVF. I want it to work this time sooooo bad. I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t have any eggs to freeze but I kind of knew that would happen. And hopefully we won’t need them anyways. I hope this is the cycle that gives us our sticky baby (or babies). 😉
       Well, that’s all for now. I’m off to bed to get some rest before my transfer. I’ve been dreaming about babies every night. I hope that’s a good sign! 🙂

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