I’m upset today. This isn’t going to be a pretty post. This is what pregnancy after infertility is like for me. And its safe to say that a lot of other women who have gone through infertility and finally concieved probably feel similar. When you first get that positive test, its a flood of joy and hope. I always thought if I could just get pregnant I wouldn’t ever have to worry about infertility again. Prior to getting pregnant, I never worried about what would happen afterwards mostly because I really didn’t know if I would ever have that positive test. My concern was just never getting pregnant. Well 4 and a half billion years later, I got a positive beta after my second IVF. (Just a little history for those just now chiming in). I felt soooo thankful. So shocked. So excited. Within hours though, I was completely overcome with fear. Not fear of being pregnant or fear of being a mother but just shear, paralysing fear that now my baby(s) would be taken from me. And at this point, I loved them already and would have done ANYTHING to keep them alive. I found out at my 8 week ultrasound that 2 of my 3 transfered embabies had lived, grown for a few weeks and then stopped. My one little baby was still growing. I knew for whatever reason, the other 2 were gone and that made me want to hold on even tighter to the one remaining baby. I didn’t trust my body at all. I don’t and I never will. I’ve been let down too many times and my uterus is not what I consider a safe haven for a developing baby. Every cramp, every twinge, lack of symptoms, moving fast, not moving enough, what I ate… it all left me terrified. Then there was the spotting. I don’t expect anybody to feel sorry for me that I couldn’t “relax and enjoy being pregnant”. A stressful pregnancy is far better than no pregnancy at all and I’ve been infinitely grateful to have a baby to worry about these 6 months. I hope it stays with me and I get to continue being pregnant until its full term or safe enough to be born. I am however angry. Angry that I can’t get comfortable in this pregnancy. Angry that I love this baby more than anyone in this entire world but that I can’t bring myself to think positive thoughts about this pregnancy or the future. I’m mad that I havent been able to take the few items we bought (which was like pulling teeth to bring myself to just buy something for the baby) and remove the tags and hangers. I’m upset that I say things so guardedly. Like “if all goes well”, or “the plan is”, “hopefully”, or when the receptionist at the OB’s office tried to schedule my appointment for 2 months in advance that I told her we would cross that bridge when (if) we came to it. (This kind of talk will get you weird looks by the way.) I do enjoy being pregnant. That’s part of the problem. I’m afraid it will end too soon. I’m happy and excited about the baby. But I haven’t been brave enough to be excited about him being on the outside. Everytime he doesn’t move enough or moves too much or hiccups or his heartbeat sounds slow or fast, I think worst case scenario. I call my mom crying. I get stressed out and can’t function until things are back to “normal” which never lasts long because pregnancy is unpredictable. I never plan anything more than a half hour in advance. If we want to go somewhere, I usually wait to see how my current state of freaking out is before leaving. I haven’t stopped checking for blood 20 times a day. I probably ignore the things other pregnant women worry about. Those things seem petty. Someone said the other day “You didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl did you? Just as long as its healthy!” I thought to myself “Heck, who’s being picky?! As long as he’s alive!” Its strange to me that my pregnant cousin is riding a horse in a RODEO during pregnancy. I was scared to ride in a CAR in the beginning. I try to stay busy so I don’t have time to worry. Epic fail! I worry more because I’m not having enough time to feel his kicks and make sure he’s moving enough. I nearly flipped out at a baby shower because the mother said multiple times that her baby better be a girl. I thought “It better be alive! That’s all you can hope for. Aren’t you worried asking for more will tick off the powers of fate?” I don’t want to trade even one day of this pregnancy for anything. Every time I get 5 minutes of reassurance, its a miracle but I wouldn’t trade all this worry for anything. I’m sometimes jealous other women get to have worry-free (or at least not worry-consumed) pregnancies, but going through infertility has just made me appreciate every day and every minute with this baby more. I don’t really want what they have because this is the pregnancy I was meant to have. This worry is wrong though. I know I should be trusting God more and believe me, I really do try my best. I feel my body has let me down already in this pregnancy when I lost the other 2 babies and its hard to believe anything good. But I do try. Really I do. I know the pessimism isn’t going to help this baby. And I feel guilty to think of it in such guarded ways. I’m ready to do my baby shower registry but scared at the same time. This isn’t helping my baby. Its not helping me. Worrying about things out of my hands isn’t productive. God forgive me for my bad attitude and doubtfullness. This is pregnancy after infertility. This is pregnancy after every single reproductive thing going wrong. This is what its like when you know this might be your only go at pregnancy and when getting pregnant again wouldn’t be easy if it even were possible. This is what its like when that pregnancy innocence has been stolen by years of grief and let downs. Ignorance might be bliss. I don’t know. I’m not like other fertile pregos who either read the “complications of pregnancy” section of their pregnancy book and think “that won’t happen to me” or else they just don’t read it because they’re so darn confident. I read it and figured “Everything bad happened while concieving this baby. I know I’m not above devastation now. I know this stuff has to happen to somebody.” This baby is well worth every minute of worry and every second of fear. He’s worth all these years of trying and failing and pressing on and every single penny we spent trying to get help and finally, at long, long last – that positive beta. Those 2 pink lines. He’s worth every single tear I’ve cried and every prayer I’ve prayed. Maybe I will only be able to take this pregnancy one day at a time and just focus on enjoying the here and now and not trying to look ahead and plan the future. The future is up to God. Its my job to just take one moment at a time. God, I pray that You will be with me and this baby every moment and every day. Please lead us safely through this pregnancy. Please guard this baby from harm. Please put a hedge of protection around this baby and keep him safe no matter what. In Jesus name, amen.