Kidding Recap 2024

Whew, all I can say is, what a whirlwind! The entire 2 weeks of kidding was like a bad dream… except without the sleep. Cause why would anyone be getting sleep when running to the barn at all hours of the night? I felt like I was walking around in a perpetual fog day after day. But at last, we have come through it, not unscathed, but thankfully with a few nights of decent sleep behind us.

Ok, after that rather dramatic intro, here’s the real story…

The chaos began when I noticed Quinn going into labor 2 days before her due date. I checked her when I went to bed, and she seemed to be fine and not progressing too quickly, so I figured the next day would bring babies. I was right; the next morning we found 3 kids on the ground… 2 bucklings and 1 doeling. Sadly, all was not well. One buckling was near death and the doeling was gone. I’m not sure what happened to her, though I suspect Quinn kidded so rapidly that she couldn’t clean the babies off fast enough and the doe didn’t make it out of the sac on time. This was my fault… I should have been out there. 😦 Had I checked even an hour earlier, I may have been able to save her, but alas… So, I got the bucklings warmed and on their way to health and happiness.

That night around 11pm, I opened the barn to Lyric literally in the doorway, about to give birth. M ran to grab L to help me and we spent the next 3 hours drying babies and feeding colostrum and getting Lyric set up nice and comfy. She kidded quads in rapid succession. Had we not been there, no doubt some would not have survived, as there is no way she could have cleaned them all on her own fast enough, with the last 3 coming literally seconds apart. She had 3 doelings and a buckling. (2 of the doelings, and the buckling, I sold on the bottle a few days later) I saved the prettiest doeling for our keeper this year. Spoiler alert, she died a week later… but more on that later.

A couple days pass and one of Quinn’s bucklings went down. I medicated him as soon as possible but in a matter of hours, he was gone. See, at this point, though disappointed, I was only mildly unnerved. While I had only experienced the loss of one baby goat in the previous 4 years of kiddings, I could accept 1 accident and 1 death by illness as being reasonable. But little did I know….

Music went into labor the next day, and though I checked her hourly, she still managed to pop out triplets in between 6 and 7pm. This would have been delightful, had I not opened the barn to yet another dead buckling. He was still steaming warm, and I thought I had some chance of reviving him, but unfortunately, I could not. I’m actually not sure what happened… was it another instance where he wasn’t able to escape the sac in time, or was DOA? I’ll never know. Music had 2 doelings, and the buckling.

Trigger warning: This next one is graphic!!

With 2 kiddings left, I was now super uneasy, so when Eve went into labor, I checked on her all.night.long. I barely slept at all. In fact, eventually I just stayed out in the room by the barn for the rest of the night because there was no point going inside just long enough to take my coat off. I needn’t have worried. Eve was never going to kid without me. Like, never. 11am the next morning, she started pushing. I was really excited because I was supposed to go to my friend’s baby shower at 2pm. I was like yay, I’ll be done in time to go! But like, no. Because she never made progress. I finally ventured to check the position of the kid. I’ve pulled a few breach babies in my short time raising goats, yet had never felt such a presentation in my other experiences with malposition. I just kept saying “What IS this? This doesn’t feel right!” I finally found a leg and pulled it out… along with the contents of a baby goat’s innards. Horrified, I ran to find M and beg him to help me. He’s like, not the person to ask for help because he does absolutely zero with the goat births and knows nothing about pulling babies, but I was in desperate need of moral support, and he provided that. We took turns pulling and trying to reposition this wild mess of a kid, to no avail. The vet was out of town and I was at the point, I told M we should put the goat down for her own sake, when thank the Lord, we got in touch with another vet who agreed to help if I brought the goat to him. Because everyone who hasn’t slept in days wants to load up a goat with a dead leg hanging out of its backside and go chasing off to the vet… but since he wasn’t coming to me, I took her to him. Our options were grim… keep pulling (which wasn’t working) or a c section. No guarantee of her survival either way, one much more costly. For her sake, I opted for the c section. I was not pleased to find out that I would be assisting, as the vet had no assistant available. I’m not like, great with gore, and I’d already been almost to my elbow in guts and goo, but what else can you do, you know? Now, sad for me, goats can’t safely be put to sleep, neither should they be laying for a c section. (the vet said her guts would pop out, and I’d seen enough guts for one day!) I had to keep a fully coherent goat, weak from hours and hours of labor, upright and still for an almost hour long c section. Eve was over it. She wouldn’t/couldn’t stand, and I don’t blame her. I’m not a weak person, if I do say so, but my entire body was shaking under the pressure of holding her up for the duration. I thought I would give out many times, but I did not. I was sore for days. But back to Eve… She had a 10 inch uterine rupture, as it turns out, and the vet pulled out 2/3 of a baby goat. Literally, the back end and legs never formed. It was perfect otherwise, but the guts formed outside its body and it was just truly an oddity. I’ll spare you the picture. Once we got Eve put back together and home in her stall, off I rushed to take Music’s babies to their new home.

Trigger over, kinda.

I was pleased to think that I had over a week to recover (both sleep and literally recover from sickness as I came down with some nasty throat infection thing) before Legacy was due. But of course, I should have known better. The doeling I had chosen to keep decided to get sick, appear to be recovering, and then suddenly die, all within 6 hours time. Shaken with the viciousness of the disease and my inability to treat it in both this doeling and in Quinn’s buckling, I sent her for necropsy to find out what we were dealing with. A week later, after imagining all sorts of horrible things and panicking that it could be zoonotic, I got the results, though I’ll leave out the details because it’s boring. In short, all the remaining babies in our barn received 2 medications to protect them, and we hope they remain healthy. The babies we sold have been doing well, according to recent updates.

Legacy’s labor…. 2 weeks to the day after Quinn gave birth, Legacy went into labor. Checking on her frequently, and nervous, my friend offered to come by for moral support. I think we had worked ourselves into believing everything would go wrong. Heck, I’d decided the goaties were already dead, since I no longer felt movement. Anyway, Legacy dilly-dallied and pushed for longer than an hour, so wearily I went on a search and rescue mission for her stuck baby. It wasn’t even stuck, she was just being dramatic… *eyeroll* Out came a perfect doeling. After awhile she took to pushing again and we waited expectantly. Usually, the second kid comes fast. But no, this one really was stuck. Like, very stuck. I tried pulling, my friend tried pulling, Legacy thrashed and rolled and yelled, while occasionally grabbing a bite to eat, laying on her side. I’ve never seen anything like it … anyway… I once again went about getting ahold of the vet. He was headed our way when finally, my friend was able to get hold of what we had determined was surely another malformity. We really didn’t want to see it, but we really had to. Out it finally popped, a headless blob… WAIT, no it does have a head!! I was laughing and thanking God, my friend was laughing and we were both saying “I THOUGHT IT HAD NO HEAD!!!” over and over. She said to Legacy “Ok, that’s enough. We don’t need any more babies!” and Legacy IMMEDIATELY, delivered another perfect doeling. Praise God! Kidding season was finally over!!

In the following week, I got Quinn’s remaining buckling and Legacy’s buckling on the bottle and sold. I have Legacy’s 2 doelings which I plan to keep, at least for now. Eve is healing well and has really never acted any the worse for her horrific labor and birth experience. I thank God for that too! I’m still giving antibiotics, then once they are done, I intend to dry her off (dry her milk up) and sell her to a pet home where she will never be bred again. Which is actually kind of sad, for her, because she adopted Quinn’s buckling at one point and was doting over him and nursing him. She has strong maternal instincts.

So, I have been asking myself “Why am I doing this? It’s hard sometimes. It’s sad sometimes. It’s gross and gory…. Why?” Then I bring in the milk twice a day and I know why… because it’s in my blood. It feels right… not when it’s chaos and trouble… that doesn’t feel right at all. *sigh* But all the other times. All the happy times. When I’m laughing in the pasture, drying off the babies and thanking God for them being alive… when I’m driving a baby goat to its new home where it will grow up and produce milk or continue on the species… when I look a baby goat in its eyes and thank it for being anatomically correct and having both a head AND a butt… (sleep deprived, bare with me) and FOUR whole legs too!! That’s when I know why I keep doing this. I think M said it best – out there trying to help me pull Eve’s frankenbaby, he was like, “We need to sell all these goats”, for real though. Later that evening he looked out to the field and said “When we fence that area in….” I laughed and said “Yeah, you can’t quit now either, can you?!” 😉 And that’s just how it goes.

So by the numbers:

14 days

13.5 baby goats

9 were does

7 goats sold

5 were bucks

4.5 deceased

4 being milked, currently

2 babies retained

1 crazy kidding season

Our (Mini) Farm

I haven’t written about our little hobby farm in absolutely ages, probably years, so I thought it would be fun to write a post about where we are at with it currently.

I have 5 adult does (female goats) at the moment and they are all due to kid in March, from the 12th to the 25th. In hindsight, I really don’t know what I was thinking, having them all bred at the same time… it’s going to be utter chaos! (Or should I say, udder chaos? heh heh heh) I have no idea how it’s all going to work out, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it, in T-minus 16 days!! 😬 Generally, my goats throw twins or triplets. I’ve only had singles twice, so I tentatively expect 10 plus kids (of the goat variety). However, as with all things, you really can’t count your chickens (or goats) before they hatch. I still do not own my own buck (male goat), so I have to rent one to breed my does and that is why they all got bred at the same time. He was one busy dude, for a few days! haha…

Anyway, in terms of milk, I am terribly excited to have (Lord willing) 5 does in production at once. For 3 of them, this is their second time around. I milked them last year and they did great. Because it’s their second freshening (coming into milk again) I expect they will do even better this year. I am planning to buy a milk machine soon, because milking 3 by hand one after the other was time consuming and hard on my hand and  shoulder, I really don’t think 5 in a row would be pleasant at all. But oh, how lovely to have all that fresh milk! I want to try making cheese this year.

Lyric was the only girl who would hold still for a pic

In terms of chickens, we currently have 6 hens and 1 rooster, but the quantity of chickens we have is an ever-evolving thing. I will probably pick up a few more here and there but hopefully not be hatching any chicks this year. Of course, if I end up with a broody hen (one that decides to sit on eggs and incubate them) I will probably let her have her fun. They aren’t laying yet since they take a break for winter, but I do expect to see eggs any day now, since its staying light longer, We have one hen in production now! It’s her first year and she’s laying green shelled eggs. 😍 Praise the Lord. I am so over winter… good to see another sign of spring!

Our roo

Some of our hens

Don’t worry, they get plenty of time to free-range. The coop is locked every evening to guard against predators.

Aside from poultry and goats, we have our 4 cats (all females, all spayed lol), our faithful dog whom I’ve posted about over the years (he’s been such a good dog!), and our singular goldfish who is *at least* 7 years old now. Yes, 7. Years. Old. We got him from a random kid who won him at a fair and didn’t want him. That was way back when I was preggers with Z, who is 6 and a half now. This fish has gone from a one gallon tank to a 5 gallon tank and now he’s in a 20 gallon tank, which is hopefully going to be it for the rest of his happy little life because it seems he’s finally stopped growing. Also he might be a she, I really don’t know. He, or she, has a few snails for tank-mates, but that’s all, at present.

I told L I was going to take a pic of buddy and he was like… 🧎‍♂️

Buddy loves you

Mittens just joined the family around Thanksgiving.  She’s an old girl, here to retire and live out her days.

Kitty cat thinks she’s beautiful, because she is.

Snowball cookie is sooo soft 

Angel is over it (not actually). This is literally the funniest cat I’ve ever met.

Off I go. Dinner prep beckons and these boys don’t like waiting for their food! Until next time, adios.

Conflicted

I am having such a time of conflicting emotions lately, I decided to sit down and just let it out. So here goes nothing….

In October, with the wonderful news that the spinal tumor had not grown (Praise God), the spine clinic also gave their blessing for us to have another child, if we wanted to. We had been preventing since the miscarriage, of course, since first I had to make it to June (my OB’s orders) and then had to make it through all the hormone tests and MRIs on my back. Over the course of the summer, M and I had talked about if we wanted to try again IF we were given the ok. I think there is just a feeling of someone missing (since there IS) which the kids and even our extended family have expressed, that is just really hard to move past. So we decided that we would leave the option open. The boys have been praying all year – longer than that, even – for another sibling. Now they pray for a “HEALTHY baby girl, or boy”, because I think we are all scared of having our hearts broken again.

Its weird because there have actually been times along this journey this year where I’ve felt like maybe I was just done. Maybe I didn’t have a strong desire to have another child. Maybe I could just leave it be. But then there are other days where the losses weigh heavily and I just want one more shot at a healthy baby. And then there are days where I wake up feeling one way, and go to bed feeling another. Today, for example.

The last few days I’ve been feeling really meh about the whole situation. Like, I’m finally getting some sleep, the kids are at a pretty easy age, I have a lot going on that would be hard to juggle (but I know I would anyway) being pregnant or having a baby, we have a horrible lack of reliable childcare for during a birth or any other possible hospital stay…. the list is really long. Add to that the worries that if I DO get pregnant, I might miscarry again – or have a loss at any point, plus pregnancy is REALLY painful for me at the end (which I finally know is because of the dang tumor) AND I get crippling morning sickness for the first 4-5 months, and just so many more worries and considerations…. its kind of a lot. So, even though we did not prevent the last 2 months, I was kinda like… I don’t know if I want to get a positive test this month… maybe next month but I don’t know.

Then this morning I took the test and it was totally negative and I was like “WHHHHHHYYYYYYY can I not be expecting a Christmas miracle??? I was expecting last Christmas and I STILLLLLLL don’t have a baby in my arms. I was supposed to have given birth last Nov too, and I don’t have that baby either. I should have a 1 year old! I should have a 4 month old baby girl! Whoa is me! Haven’t I suffered enough this year?? Now I have to be on my period during Christmas which is just a cruel reminder that I have lost 2 babies in the last year and a half and here I am, no closer to having a baby in my arms. MY KIDS ARE SO SAD!! THEY’VE BEEN PRAYING SO MUCH! What is wrong with my body? Is there something wrong? Was my uterus damaged from the last miscarriage? Am I infertile again? Is God saying no?” On and on and on….

As you can see, I’m very conflicted. But ultimately, I know if I didn’t give this one last shot, I would regret it. My heart knows that any fear of loss or temporary discomfort cannot outweigh the elation I would feel to deliver a healthy LIVING baby and the blessing of raising another precious person. To have prepared our hearts twice in a row to meet and love another child and then have it ripped away both times… it feels too hard for this to be the end of the story.

This afternoon, while I was shampooing permanent marker off the rug (its still there) I realized that I am just always wanting what I can’t/don’t have. When I’m pregnant, I’m whining about how stressful and painful and hard it is… when I’m not pregnant (but thought I was going to be), I’m whining about how sad and emotional and hard it is. I can’t be satisfied. Nobody knows where this is going to go, only God knows. I don’t know if I have lasting damage from the miscarriage, its certainly possible, It was a very difficult loss. Also, I’m getting older. I’m to the age where the chance of pregnancy declines dramatically. It’s no shock if I don’t get pregnant right away, or at all! It’s just all so hard and conflicting!

The Sustaining Mercy of God

I’m going to attempt to put pen to paper, so to speak, on the journey I’ve been on this year, and what God has carried me through. Not to sound dramatic, although there have been some very scary points for me, emotionally and mentally, along the way. The first part of this is going to sound depressing, but hold on if you will, because it got better.

After losing our baby girl in miscarriage this January, I was dumbstruck by the chaos that ensued. I had only a couple weeks to recover before:

~Hubby woke up one morning to find he had lost his job due to “restructuring”, which was a polite way to say, the company went forward on a path that did not include him (this ended out to be a huge blessing, by the way, but that’s a story for another time, perhaps)

~We found out very unexpectedly that my maternal Grandma had a terminal brain tumor, whilst paternal Grandpa was also on his death bed. They passed within weeks of each other. This was traumatic, for obvious reasons.

~Hubby and the kids got a nasty stomach virus that spanned a week. I was less than a week past D&C at the onset of that, yet I had no choice but to be up, comforting kids and washing soiled laundry at all hours of the night. Due to the contagious nature of the stomach bug, this also meant we had no help past the first few days after the miscarriage. I thought I avoided it, but ended up getting sick myself, which was just awful.

~TMI ALERT! 7 weeks after the loss, I experienced a “minor” hemorrhage (did not seem minor to me, or my traumatized Hubby), in the middle of the night. I’ve hemorrhaged twice after giving birth and it did not stop on it’s own, so the experience prompted a trip to the ER where it was determined I had retained tissue of some sort. I was supposed to go in for a second D&C but thankfully, my body passed everything between ultrasounds and somehow finally calmed down on the blood loss. Shew!

~Finding out through chromosome testing that our baby had trisomy 15 and therefore there was nothing we could have done to prevent the loss, did bring some closure. What did not help, however, was that 3 weeks after the loss, my RE called to tell me that I had some concerning labs come back and that I maybe had a tumor on my adrenal glands. It had the distinct protentional to be the C word, and this struck me with intense fear. Adrenal C, sadly, does not have a good prognosis. This gets lengthy at this point….

So… the next 3 weeks went like this… test again to make sure it wasn’t lab error – it wasn’t. Test a third time, and discover levels that were still unmeasurable. As in, they didn’t have a test that could read what the actual level was, just that it was off the charts and beyond what they had seen. I was sent for an MRI, which took a couple weeks to move through all the channels for that… I will cut to the chase and tell you the MRI showed NO adrenal tumor!!! Praise God!!

This was huge, beautiful relief!! I had been through weeks of intense, overwhelming anxiety, not knowing what the outcome would be. Hubby had taken us on a trip to Alabama for a few days to try and get my focus on other things, but my mind just kept swirling back to “What if this is our last family vacation?” The anxiety reached a point during the wait where I just didn’t know if I could handle it, unmedicated. I was at the park with Hubby and the kids, and a Bible verse came to my mind: “I shall not die, but live, And declare the works of the Lord.” Psalm 118:17 I prayed a very specific prayer… if it was God speaking to me, to make me recall that verse, then I wanted Him to show me that verse again that same day. Whether in a text, in person, in a phone call… whatever… if it was Him, it had to be confirmed that day!

Evening rolled around. A friend texted to see how I was. She was at church for midweek service, and I told her I was not emotionally/mentally ok. She said they would pray. A little later, our pastor’s wife texted to ask if they could come pray for me at my house… this was unexpected for 2 reasons… one, they have never come to my house to pray for us and two, it was almost 9pm. I said yes, against my usual tendencies which would be, don’t inconvenience anyone, especially at night. One of my friends and the pastor’s son came along with them. They talked with me, attempted to comfort me, and finally took turns reading verses that they each found comforting. I began to run out of hope. I had mentioned to absolutely nobody that I was waiting only for one specific word from God, and so far, it wasn’t happening. Then the pastor’s wife said there was a verse that comforted her through a huge health scare once… she couldn’t remember where it was, but her son did. Pastor looked it up and read it allowed “I shall not die, but live, And declare the works of the Lord.” Can you imagine the sobs and relief that overtook me? I just devolved into emotion – The God of all the universe heard a prayer, spoken only in my mind, and answered me that same day in my kitchen at 9:17pm. It was a relief so immense; the pastor said you could feel fear leave the room. I finally slept. I won’t lie and say I didn’t struggle again while waiting for the MRI and results, but every time I did, I repeated that verse and it helped ease my fears.

Back to the MRI results – there was no adrenal tumor. The Endocrinologist I was referred to said he had never in his whole career seen levels that high, but couldn’t find an explanation, so said to go home and live my life!! (Which notably is exactly what the Dr had told the pastor’s wife too, after her issue vanished). Months later, in June, follow-up labs confirmed my levels had returned to 100% normal!! Praise the Lord again!

I wish I could say that was the end of my “health crisis journey”, but what the MRI did unfortunately reveal, was a tumor in my spine. Which led to another MRI to investigate. I was on such a high from the no adrenal tumor thing, I managed to stay remarkably calm while waiting for the next MRI, 6 weeks later. The exact type of tumor is unknown, as there are 3 possibilities, but it appeared to be benign on imaging. Any tumor in your spine is going to turn heads though, and so I had to continue follow-up for that, which meant another MRI 6 months later… which brings us to last week. No growth!!! Praise the Lord some more!!! I’m not going to lie; I wanted it to be supernaturally gone. But you know what? God doesn’t have to work on my timeline. Maybe He will still take it away or maybe it will never grow, or maybe someday it will have to come out surgically and God will use a Dr to bring about healing… I don’t know. I just know that for now, the Dr said let’s leave it alone and check it in a year. It actually is large, but I don’t have symptoms (thankfully), and surgery around spinal nerves is not without risks, so even though part of me was like “just take it out now!” the other part of me is acknowledging that sometimes doing nothing is safer, even if it feels scary. And thankfully, it still looks like it is most likely benign. At any rate, it didn’t grow!

There was so so so much more to this story, but I’d be typing all day to tell you everything…. from standing in prayer at church during the adrenal scare and feeling the power of God take over me so strong, I almost couldn’t stand, I just stood there wobbling and staggered back to my seat to collapse like a rag doll… To lying in bed at night and asking God for comfort and words just pouring into my mind “I Am the God of Jacob. I shall not allow your foot to be moved. The God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. I shall not allow your foot to be moved.” SOOOO many verses of comfort in my Bible, standing out at me. Reminders of answered prayers. So many things I could say. But I will end this here for now and thank you to everyone who took the time to read along. And most importantly, thank You God, for carrying me!

Trisomy 15

We got the genetic results back from our poor little baby girl today. She had trisomy 15.

I won’t try to expound on it because I don’t know much at all except what the Dr said and what I found on a quick Google search. The Dr said its incompatible with life, nothing we could have done would have prevented it.

I don’t know the exact statistics on a reoccurring trisomy or if our other miscarriage babies had similar issues, but the Dr said we can try again if we want after I have 1 regular cycle and return to baseline. He also prescribed Femara ×3 months. In the past, I didn’t ovulate on Femara, so idk if I will take it but I like that I have it on hand.

He ordered lots of labs to have a new picture of where I am now with hormones and A1c, ect. We also went ahead with karyotyping on me today. Matt should have his done next week, Lord willing. It’ll be good to know what, if anything, we could be passing on to our children. It will also help us plan a better path forward, if we do decide to try one more time. It’s tricky….

I feel a lot of peace and closure now, having an answer for this loss. And a name. May God guide us forward. ❤️

Passwords

I’m struggling with knowing how much I want to post in this space about my kids and other personal details. So, for the time being, I think I’m going to move to password protected posts for the more personal things.

Family, friends and longtime followers, please feel free to reach out if you would like to access this content. 🙂 I have posted an update today which requires a password.

Thanks! Love you all!

Protected: Speech Update

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Step Into My Grief, If You Will

I should be announcing that another baby will be joining our family by Aug 21st, but instead I’m writing about another miscarriage. While I should be over 11 weeks now, I am instead 2 weeks post Manual Vacuum Aspiration.

I drafted updates throughout the beginning of pregnancy, which will be retrodated and posted at some point, hopefully. In short, aside from a massive subchorionic hematoma, which was not the cause of the miscarriage, I had what seemed to be a healthy pregnancy up until the baby’s heart stopped beating. I had ever increasing morning sickness, requiring anti nausea meds, just like all my healthy pregnancies. My betas doubled beautifully. There was never an indication that anything was wrong. I took all my meds from the start…  Even my dr was baffled by this loss.

Ultrasounds at 7 and 8 weeks showed a healthy heartbeat at 145 and 176bmp. Baby was measuring behind by 2-3 days and then 3-4 days, which did concern me. Even if my ovulation date was off by a day or 2, it still didn’t seem right to me. The baby was measuring 8 weeks 1 day when it passed away at 8 weeks 5 days (we think).

How I wish I’d taken a better picture. This was my first real belly pic. Taken right before leaving for my appointment where I found out baby had passed.

I went for an ultrasound at 9 weeks which showed the heart had stopped, the hematoma had mostly resolved and everything else looked text book perfect.. the sac and the placenta etc were all perfect. However, the yolk sac was measuring 5.3mm at 7 weeks 1 day and 5mm at 8 weeks. Google suggests that may be a risk for miscarriage, but the Dr was never concerned about it.

Matt and I heard the heartbeat once at home with the doppler around 7.5 weeks, but after that I could never find it again when I tried to listen before my 9 week appointment, which ended up being a bad sign. I felt strongly going into my appointment that the baby was gone, and it was. Therefore I wasn’t surprised when the Dr said there was no heartbeat, but I was devastated.

We had opted to find out the gender with a dna test at 7 weeks. According to that, baby was a girl. We are waiting for results from genetic testing we had done which will confirm the gender and tell us (hopefully) what caused the baby to stop growing. She looked so perfect. Little arms and legs already visible. She was even moving around at the 8 week ultrasound! We loved her so much!!

Two days after finding out our baby had died, we returned to the hospital for an MVA. I opted for this as it gave us the best chance of getting genetic testing done successfully. With my last loss, I wasn’t able to save enough tissue for genetic testing, and I found it severely devastating as we had no answers and no closure. This was our 8th loss that I know of and we really need an answer as to why we have suffered losses so many times. (This was the latest loss we’ve had. 2 chemical pregnancies, and 6 losses between 5-9 weeks.) If the genetic testing doesn’t reveal an answer (and maybe even if it does) my dr suggested karyotyping on Matt and I. I want to because I’m an information person, but we shall see.

The night before MVA

The MVA was painful, despite being sedated. But thankfully it was quick. I had been experiencing low back pain and cramping like early labor the entire day previously and on the way to our 6:30am appointment, so I think the miscarriage was about to start at home. I’m glad I didn’t have to experience that on my own as the last miscarriage at home was so upsetting for me. The hospital staff were so kind and good to us, letting us have an ultrasound on their new, best machine and printing us lots of pictures of our baby for a keepsake.

Following the procedure, I had after pains like mild labor contractions, not just cramps, off and on for 6 days. The bleeding was never heavy, but would pick up and slow down with the contracting. On days 4-6 I passed a lot of clots, then the bleeding finally slowed and has continued as spotting since.

Next week I am supposed to have a follow up with my Dr to discuss where we go from here or if our journey will be over, bookended by infertility at the beginning and recurrent pregnancy loss at the end. I want to have a healthy pregnancy and living child again, and our families support that and our children want that. But it’s out of my control. I am afraid to miscarry again. I feel like I’ll regret not trying again but if I do try and fail… I don’t want to think about that. I’m getting older also and don’t really want to try past 35, which is next year. Only the Lord knows what will be. It’s in His hands.

I’m so thankful for my kids, more and more every day. Life is so precious. So delicate. I miss my lost babies so much. 😞

7 weeks 4 days

Written 1-6-23. Updated 2-2-23. This pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks.

Ok, I think I haven’t posted since before 5 weeks, so there’s a bit of catching up to do…

At the beginning of 5 weeks I had pretty consistent queasy level morning sickness. Towards the end of 5 weeks, the nausea pretty much disappeared and I had a bit of a moment on Christmas Eve where I cried wrapping presents and emailed the Dr to tell him that all my symptoms had been gone the last few days. Then I went to bed, praying, and woke up on Christmas morning, quite nauseated. It was not as magical feeling as it sounds, haha, but I was quite relieved that maybe things were still going strong in there. (and emailed the dr again to disregard my message🤣) The increasingly uncomfortable nausea has been my constant companion since then, except when I’m asleep. However, today was the first day that I had to take 2mg of Zofran in order to remain upright without throwing up. I’ve been getting by with b6 throughout the day and doxylamine succinate at night. Matt thinks I’m crazy to be willingly doing this again. Maybe I am. But like I tell him, it’s just part of the process. It’s just a season. It’s not forever.

At 7+1 we had our first ultrasound appointment. Our regular dr was out of town, so his colleague kindly saw us. Matt was able to get off work early and go with me, and we had a date at a nice little sushi place afterwards. It was amazing to see baby looking good and measuring 6+5 with the sac measuring right on dates at 7+1. (I’m pretty sure that the baby may have been cheated by a millimeter in the measurement, but either way its within normal limits.) Heartbeat was a strong 145, tho this dr doesn’t try to listen till farther along.

I was disappointed but not surprised to find out that I have a massive subchorionic hematoma. It’s almost the same size as with Destin. His was 33×20mm. This one is 39×16mm. For comparison, the gestational sac was only 22mm. So this sch is literally almost twice as big as the gestational sac. Sch can have good outcomes, and many do. Unfortunately when its this large in proportion to the pregnancy, it’s a bit touch and go. Mine with all 3 of my youngest were not an issue, so hopefully this one will heal quickly and beautifully. With each subsequent pregnancy I have a larger sch than the time before. I don’t know why I repeatedly get these and it definitely adds a huge degree of stress that wasn’t there prior to the ultrasound. I’m trying to remind myself that I hadn’t changed anything about my activity level prior to this information, and the baby was still growing well. I was still lifting over 40lbs on a regular basis throughout the course of my days. I’ve stopped lifting as much since I’m on lifting restriction now but I can’t really go on bedrest or anything drastic. I just have to hope and pray that God heals this sch like He did the others. I am already taking progesterone 2x daily at 600mg, which is one recommendation. The other supplement I’d never heard of being used for sch is alpha lipoic acid. It’s been studied and found to resolve sch faster than progesterone alone. So, I’ve ordered some and it should come tomorrow! Other than that, we wait and pray. The Dr asked me to come back in 1 week instead of 2 so we can keep an eye on it. It’s in the Lord’s hands.

On another note, at 7+2, I took the gender blood test that I’d ordered on sale at Christmas. It was fairly easy to use but I can’t imagine how you’re supposed to keep from contaminating it with male dna from the environment. I’ve decided I don’t trust any result I get because I accidentally dripped water from my hands into the box and right on the bag that the sample itself goes into. 😅 So, if it comes back boy, it’s contaminated but if it comes back girl (be serious) it’s too early. 😂 But, Lord willing, we are only 5.5 weeks away from being able to do the elective ultrasound for gender anyway. 🙏 This test is fun in the meantime. I should have the results the day after tomorrow!!

We made it through the Christmas parties without anyone suspecting, or at least nobody asked. I’m hoping we can make it a few more weeks. Mainly because of the sch. I definitely don’t want to tell the boys while that is looming so ominously. Oh Lord, please make it absorb and resolve quickly! In Jesus’ name. 🙏 I’m surprised nobody asked though because I think I look way poochy. I mean, the pooch never really went away, and maybe that’s a good thing. Ppl are used to me just being chunky at this point. But it just has a higher, maternal look now. Like the indent where my c section scar is has filled out and is round now. I’m not sure if I’ve actually gained any weight. I don’t see how, if I have. I’ve been too sick to eat like normal. Lots of thought goes into what will stay down. 😅

Other symptoms: altered sense of smell and taste, nasty taste in my mouth, more run down/tired than usual starting around 6 weeks, getting up to pee at night a lot, tossing and turning at night, always so freaking cold!! I haven’t been able to stay warm in weeks!

Dear God, thank You for entrusting us with this precious baby. Please heal the sch and help the baby to be safe and happy in there. In Jesus’ name, amen.

4 Weeks Pregnant

Written 12-18-22. Updated 2-2-23. This pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks.

Tomorrow is 5 weeks, Lord willing, so just a quick recap.

On 13dpo I had my hcg and progesterone levels drawn so I could start care with my Dr. The beta came back at 103, which is good. The progesterone actually never resulted due to insufficient sample, or something. On 16dpo I had the second draw with beta of 366 and progesterone 20.4. The Dr was satisfied with these results, so he had me schedule for Jan 3rd at 7+1 for ultrasound. I’m on my shots and progesterone supplements, 200mg am and 400mg pm.

My main symptoms this week have been extreme thirst/cotton mouth. Waking up to pee several times a night and guzzle more water because my throat is so insanely dry. Also my nose is stuffy and throat is irriated in the mornings. Restless legs/feet is already starting also. I’ve had days with very little queasiness and days with periods of motion sick feeling. Metallic taste in my mouth. Heartburn. I’ve still been able to drink coffee but this morning I couldn’t finish it. Cramps off and on. Suddenly covered in acne, ew. Absolutely freezing cold and cannot get warm. Usually I’m always hot and we keep the temp in our house 67°, but right now I’m bundled in 2 layers of socks and my heavy bathrobe most of every day.

So, my starting weight is 160-164, depending on the day. I’m watching my carbs and sugar intake like crazy because this is 12+lbs above my starting weight with Destin and I haven’t been watching my weight well because of breastfeeding and not wanting to tank my milk by losing weight, which I’ve done before, sadly. Destin weaned himself in Oct though. So it’s all good but I do need to watch my weight gain.

We are really busy getting ready for Christmas, which I’m thankful for. Hopefully time passes without stress before the ultrasound. I’m trying not to think too much about everything. My main priority is getting through Christmas without anyone finding out. My mom saw my bruises the other day and asked if I was on my shots and pregnant. I just told her we’ll see! I mean, she could tell I was by my answer but also that I didn’t want to talk about it yet. So she didn’t ask me anything else, which was probably hard for her. I just feel incredibly scared to talk about it, so I haven’t told anyone at all, except Matt and the Dr, of course. It feels so delicate and fragile that I just can’t even think about telling anyone yet. I don’t even know when I will want to. After a couple good ultrasounds, Lord willing? I don’t know. Obviously my stretched out belly can’t hide a baby for long, especially from the boys. I’m also worried about having another sch. I’ve had increasingly more severe sch with each of the last 3 kids, so I’m definitely worried about that happening.

I ordered a new doppler this week. My sister is borrowing mine and I don’t want to ask for it back while she’s using it, so I figured I’d just get a new one.

Dear God, thank You for this special baby and the life You’ve given it. Please protect and sustain it’s life according to Your will. Please help us to get safely and happily to a healthy full term birth. In Jesus’ name, amen.