First written on 12-9-22. Updated 2-2-23… this pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks. 😞

I’m prefacing this by saying, I like to think that Matt and I are rational people and obviously we know that 5 kids is more than the socially accepted “normal” limit. (Believe me, we are aware! 🤣) Also I think that because I have 9 siblings, 5 kids isn’t as overwhelming for me as it might be for someone else, and that’s just how it is.

Given the surprise pregnancy in March 2022 and the tragic loss that resulted and left a void, I couldn’t reconcile in my heart to just be done without giving a chance to the future I’d grown attached to in March. And I knew also that it was basically now or never as the age gap between Destin and any possible future baby was only getting bigger with each passing month and I definitely prefer them to be close in age, personally.

Therefore in Oct, after months of discussion and prayers, we took a break from preventing. I intended to not try but not prevent for 3 cycles. Then if nothing happened, I’d at least know we kinda gave it a shot.

First cycle, nothing. No surprise there.

Second cycle, 9dpo, I woke up one morning and decided to test. I wasn’t planning to test yet but Matt brought it up and I was having some pretty suspicious *symptoms for the last 2 days (which really means nothing because I get symptoms before AF like every month, including nausea,) but I figured why not. I had a few old internet cheapie tests in the closet, one expiring this month and a new pack that had just come in the mail the day before.

The first test had a shadow of a line but I felt no excitement over it because it truly didn’t look positive. Just to prove to myself that it was just an old, expiring, untrustworthy test, I dipped some of the other assorted ICs and got a faint shadow on 4 out of 5. At this point, I felt like maybe this was a real positive? But maybe not? I wasn’t sure.

I needed some “real”, “official” tests, so I took Zane with me to finish up Christmas shopping and grab some legit tests. In the afternoon/evening, I tested with the shiny new tests. I was rather surprised to see the Clearblue pink dye test come up with nothing more than a faint faint faint, maybe slightly pink shadow, which really could have just been an indent. Honestly, it was basically negative. Likewise, the CB digital was also “Not Pregnant”. I was so confused by then, maybe the ICs had been wrong? So I tried one more… the old faithful $0.88 First Signal test. And it was positive! Not sorta, not kinda, not just barely, but actually a real legit, “yes I am”, positive!

Well, it was more impressive in real life. 🤣

Subsequent internet cheapies and a second CB digital the following day confirmed, yes indeed, there is someone growing!!

Call me dense but every time this happens I’m just like HOW????!!! I mean, 5 years of really trying – timed ic, clomid, iui, ivf.. how does it become “We stopped preventing for 2 months and we’re pregnant!” All I can tell you is, only God!

And of course I feel all the emotions… I haven’t forgotten what happened last time. I feel really guarded. But I’m also at peace at the same time. I’m not oblivious either that yes, we do have so much going on! Getting Quayd to therapy has become my full time job. I also homeschool, 5 days a week! There’s cleaning, cooking, getting everyone to all the places they need and want to go. There’s relationships with God and family that need cultivated and tended… with Matt and I and between us and the kids etc. It’s a lot!! It is! Sometimes it’s like, eek! But it’s also really good!! And then today one of the boys started rambling, TWO SEPARATE TIMES, completely of his own accord, about us needing to have another baby and what he hoped we would name it etc and it just confirmed again that, yes, this is right for us. It’s not for everybody and I get that. But I also hate feeling the pressure from everyone to be done because it’s “too much” (you’re not the one raising them! Ok?) or it’s “too many” (really? Says who? Who decided the perfect acceptable number of kids that you can have before you’re a *weirdo*?) It feels perfect to me, so there’s that. 😉

Anyway, moving on, I am somewhere around 11dpo now. I assume I’ll need labs soon to confirm. I have started my usual meds and whatnot. I’m just trying to keep as calm as I can and just take it one day at a time. I’m happy with each test that is darker than the one before, showing that the tiny person is getting comfy, I hope. I’m in this with God!

*symptoms* dry cotton mouth, excessive thirst, peeing a lot at night, queasy, LESS acne and rash than I usually have before my period, pelvic heaviness/soreness at times, cramps at 8dpo and an intense period of nausea at 7dpo which may have been unrelated.