Ok, maybe not really. But it kind of feels that way right now. My sil asked me to read this book every day and she and her bff are also reading it. The book is “Love Unending” by Becky Thompson of the blog Scissortail Silk. I can’t link you to it at the moment and to be entirely forthcoming, I don’t follow her blog. But my sil does and she is in love with Becky’s writings.
So I bought the book online and yesterday we started reading it. It’s basically a 21-day challenge for your marriage to get back to were you were when you first fell in love. “Rediscovering your marriage in the midst of motherhood.”
Now, personally, I believe that having kids was vital to our marriage. But I know that it also does create a bit of a space between parents. Infertility drove a huge wedge between us, so having kids was a colossal relief for us. I understand that many couples don’t have that initial hurdle so having kids is not the healing balm that it was for us.
That said, yeah, romance is often times the last thing on my mind. And motherhood has a way of leaving me “touched out” at the end of the day and just kind of done in general. I’m snappy with the kids and DH. I’m not in the mood to think about what DH wants and needs. I’m selfish. There, I said it. It’s true. And the point of this challenge is to stop trying to “change” DH into the perfect husband, and instead, refocus my outlook so that I can be the positive change that I want to see in him.
Today’s challenge was to speak kindly. It was not an utter fail, but I could have done better. What I realized today was that I have set the tone in my family that nobody listens when I’m being calm and nice. I have to start getting snappy to get DH’s attention when I need help and I found that the boys respond similarly. I think I needed this wake up call because I don’t want to be that way! I want to speak calmly and respond peacefully and set that tone for my family.
I haven’t told DH that I’m doing this. I feel like my sil and her bff are enough accountability and I don’t want DH to see me fail on a challenge and possibly point it out to me. I think that would make it alot harder. Also, I thought it would be interesting to see if he notices my efforts and thought that if he does, that might be a good indication of what I need to keep working harder on.
So yeah. It feels like a bit of an undertaking at the moment because today was hard. And I see that I have a long way to go before I become the person that I expect DH to be. Becky made a great point; the change has to start with someone. Why not start with me?
That’s an interesting perspective – be the change you want to see in your partner. Never thought of it that way. At the end of every day I feel the same as you and feel like I’m snappy too. I know I do it because I feel like I aplogize often but yet get so frustrated because the next day it’s the same thing all over again. Maybe taking that perspective will stop me the next time I want to snap.
Thanks for sharing. It’s not easy to put stuff like this out there. 🙂
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Here is a quote from her book that stood out to me…” I realized I had been waiting for him to love me first. I had been waiting for Jared to be affectionate or compassionate or considerate so I could respond.” When I read that I thought to myself maybe DHS thinking the same thing about me
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oops! I didn’t mean to press Send yet lol. Thank you for your comment of encouragement and solidarity. 🙂 Maybe I’ll update about this again later when I get done with the challenge and let you all know how it ends up turning out. 🙂
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Well my kids are perfect and my marriage is perfect….. yeah, no. Kids aren’t so much of a divider for us either, but they definitely make things harder in a lot of ways. My poor husband finally voiced his frustration that I give the kids my attention immediately even though he’s talking to me, so I’m working on that. I think it’s a great idea to not tell your husband that you’re trying to refocus and improve your relationship. That way he won’t be looking for the changes, and possibly miss what you’re actually doing differently.
If you want a parenting book, I really like Love and Logic (the early childhood edition) and Loving Your Kids on Purpose. They have similar premises but the second one is decidedly Christian. Disclaimer: I haven’t finished reading Love and Logic. The kids lost my place and I haven’t picked it back up yet.
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I’ve never read a parenting book since having children but I think I would be interested now that they are getting older and it’s not so much piddly things like how to change a diaper the right way lol. That part was easy for me… this part…. its hard! I think I could use the insight and tips to get things rolling in the right direction. Thanks for the recommendations. I’m especially interested in the Christian perspective on training kids to grow into compassionate and firmly grounded adults.
I hear you on the kids interrupting conversations. Mine are bad about it and I have started to gently tell them not to interrupt.
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This sounds a lot like the “Fireproof” challenge. We got the bible study for Christmas but haven’t had a chance to start it yet. We really need to make the time for it though because we’d like to see if other couples would like to do it as a small group this summer. Good luck…it sounds like a great challenge. 🙂
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Yes! I have “The Love Dare” book from Fireproof. It’s almost the exact same thing. I’ve never fully read that book but I plan to do it next. I think it would be awesome to do in a small group!!
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Definitely interested to see how you like the book. Once just one kid I feel like our marriage has taken the back seat.
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It’s easy to lose focus on each other. The passage of time and responsibilities of life are all it takes.
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i could definitely do this challenge. i am in the same boat with you on all points. looking forward to reading you posts as you go this book and journey. thanks for sharing!
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Thanks for reading! I just did an update on how it’s going so far. I do think if I will be consistent and stick with it, it will be a very positive change for all of us – myself, my husband and the kids.
You should buy the book! I got it on amazon. I’d absolutely LOVE to cheer you on while we go through the challenge together. I think I’ll have to go through the book at least twice. 😉
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