I’m having a hard time putting words to my feelings. I don’t want to offend anyone by writing this. I just want to be honest on here and display the whole picture of what it feels like for me personally after infertility.

Maybe that’s the problem right there… I don’t feel like I am post-infertility. And that is where I don’t want anyone to get upset with me. I understand, I do. I have 2 babies now. One of which was conceived the “natural” way without us trying. I know that it could come off pretty heartless and insensitive for me to come on here and post as if I am unaware of how blessed I have been. I have overcome infertility according to some, but that’s not really how I feel.

You see, I still feel broken. Why? Because I know that eventually we would like to have another baby. We are currently “trying” again. I am just feeling a little… I don’t really know how to put it… like we have no say-so in the matter. Most people choose to use birth “control” in-between children or when they are done having babies. But it’s like, we have built in birth control. And when we decide we want to have another baby and grow our family again, we don’t really know what that entails, how long that will take or if it will ever happen again no matter what we do.

It’s aggravating. It’s not like we are desperately waiting over here to have another baby. No. We have 2 little ones who require a LOT of attention right now. Being pregnant again right now would be pretty difficult, not that I would pass up the opportunity if it came along. Because I don’t really have the choice to wait a year or whatever like fertile women do and try again knowing that I will almost definitely get pregnant within a couple few months. I know it could take YEARS or, quite possibly never happen again. And that’s not a good feeling when you know you want another child sooner rather than later or never.

It’s just hard feeling entirely out of control. I know it’s ok because we have never had control over our fertility and yet, God has blessed us with our boys both in miraculous ways. I hope and pray that if it’s His will to give us another child, that He will.  And  if  not,  that  I  will  not  let  that  take  away  from  the  fact  that  our  family  is  very wonderful just the way it is. I am blessed. I am happy.

I feel like I kind of pushed infertility to the back of my mind (although it’s always lurking just at the surface) while I was pregnant with Levi and really, even up until the last bit. When ovulation occurred I remembered again how futile it all feels. But maybe it’s really not. I don’t want to take any credit away from what the Lord has done for us. What He has done, He can do again.

I’m just struggling a little right now with feeling so broken and like DH is broken also because we have no control over one of the most life-altering aspects of ourselves. Maybe this is how it should be for us though. To put all our hope and trust in God. We know we can do nothing without Him and I do trust that God knows what we need and what will be the best fit for our family, whether that is another child or not. I really don’t know how or why I even got down this path again…. I guess because of ovulation happening recently and my so-called fertility has “returned” but only sort of because, you know, we are still “infertile” as far as I know. Unless God has healed DH’s sperm issues and my issues and we just don’t know it. Which may well be the case and I certainly embrace any healing God wants to give us.

This time of year puts me in a more negative frame of mind also as we are approaching the 3 year anniversary of our first failed IVF. That whole hopeless feeling is just imbedded in this time of year for me. And maybe that is adding to these thoughts I’m having.

I sincerely hope this hasn’t upset anyone. I know that I probably sound so terribly ungrateful but I’m not, I promise. Infertility, it turns out, just really does a long lasting number on the heart.

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