I have debated on whether I even want to post this because I know about all the silly Mommy Wars and Mommy Guilt that people like to heap up all over the place. But this blog is as much my journal documenting my journey through infertility, ivf, pregnancy and now motherhood as it is something for others to read. So read it at your own risk. If you get offended, well, that was never my intention. This is how I feel about MY breast feeding experience with my baby. It isn’t how I think everyone else should feel and it’s not meant to convince anyone of anything. You feed your baby the way you want to and you will be doing it right whether that is formula feeding, breast feeding for a day, a month or a year (or 4 years!!). You literally can’t do it wrong as long as your baby is being taken care of.

 

Also, I feel compelled to add that, I have strong feelings about me breast feeding my baby because I couldn’t get pregnant “naturally”, couldn’t carry him without lots of hormone and medicine help (and the grace of God, and couldn’t give birth “naturally” or even semi naturally. Breast feeding was literally the only thing I had left to do that was “natural” and I was bound and determined I was going to get to do ONE FREAKING THING THE WAY I WANTED TO.

Tru has been going on nursing strike and refusing to breastfeed even though we were not giving him any liquids in bottles, cups etc. NOT GOOD. 2 days in a row he nursed only once and absolutely refused to nurse again. We are talking biting me when I tried to latch him on and throwing himself back having a tantrum from me trying to nurse him. By the second day, I gave in and let him have a little rice milk since he would never drink my frozen breast milk. I also started pumping several times a day so I could give him that. I knew that he wouldn’t take formula since he’s never had it and he hates my own frozen milk generally so I am positive he would hate formula. I was only getting about an ounce per 20 min pumping session though. That is just depressing to me. Eventually he got to where he would take the bottle with my frozen milk in it so he wouldn’t dehydrate while I figured out what to do and how to do it.  So, I went to kellymom.com and read about babies weaning at 9 months and what I read said that it is rare for babies under a year to self wean but it does happen. They talked about nursing strikes but what really stood out to me was a part that said something along the lines of it not really being entirely up to the baby. Mom is also allowed to be part of the descision. That part of the article really got me thinking. I am not ready to wean. It broke me down into a sobbing mess thinking that I was going to have to go from nursing 3 times a day at least and again in the night to just being done. Just boom, it’s over mom.

 

 9 months in 9 months out is actually quite good for breast feeding and I don’t want anyone to think that I am saying that breast feeding has to be for a certain amount of time for it to be successful. Just for me personally, I always thought I would be fine weaning at 9 months. Especially with my baby having big beaver teeth that he regularly bites me with. But the truth is, I am not emotionally ready. I want to get to a year. A year feels right to me. A year is what I had agreed on in my mind once we got our breast feeding relationship off the ground. A year. It’s not asking too much.

 

I had a chat with his pediatrician about it and she said that sometimes babies do wean that early but that if he does continue to wean and we use all my frozen milk (I don’t know how much I have. Maybe a month supply?) and if I can’t pump enough to meet his demands that I would have to try to get him to take formula until he is a year because, of course, he can’t have cows milk until then.  So, bit by bit, I have been trying to learn what it is that made Tru want to wean and what I can do to encourage him to nurse. One thing for sure is that he is afraid if he nurses he will fall asleep. He hardly ever does fall asleep nursing but it is something he fears. I figured that out finally. So the best times for me to nurse him is when he wants to fall asleep instead of when he just got up or right before or after I feed him solids. It needs to be a time where he is happy with the idea of falling asleep. Changing that alone got us back on track again. For now. I am taking this one day at a time. We will see how much farther we get. Every day is just another little victory. Another day that I don’t have to pump my boobs off to make sure Tru has enough milk. Another day closer to a year. Another day for me to work through the emotional process of weaning my baby and realizing that we are almost done with that now.

 

The great thing is, his pedi said that with the variety and amount that Tru eats of solids, he is getting his caloric needs from food now and I am just supplying a little extra nutrician and his fluids that he needs so I no longer have to produce huge amounts of milk to satisfy him. That was a relief to hear because this milk supply is not going to come back up to 8 oz a pumping session, I can tell you that right now!

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