I know I am not alone in feeling mommy guilt. I just wonder sometimes if I feel it stronger because being a mommy after infertility makes me feel like I should be more attentive to every single thing in order to show my acknowledgment of how fortunate I am to finally have a baby. It’s getting out of hand though. To the point that I sometimes lately have found myself thinking that maybe I didn’t have a baby naturally because I wasn’t going to be a perfect mother. I mean, come on… seriously?? I know it’s crazy but I can’t seem to help it. So I’m going to get it out here in the open and write it down so I can see if it is actually stuff that I should be feeling guilty for versus just stupid stuff. I feel guilty because:

  • Everyone seems to do more and better intellect building games with their babies. – This is my big one I think. To be honest, I could work on this more. And that’s why I feel guilty. Because I’m not working at it more. I’m not wracking my brain for things that will make Truett a little 8 month old genius. Why? I really don’t know. I guess because I am so darn tired and I feel like my brain is fried all the time. I guess I’m not wanting to put forth the effort. So obviously I feel guilty. And maybe I should feel that way. 
  • Everyone who breast fed made it farther than I did before starting solids. – This one I know is stupid. My baby was at least a few pounds more than most babies I know of when he was 4 and half months which is when we started rice cereal. His pediatrician said we could start any time after 4 months. She said he was ready. He clearly needed the extra food. He’s tall and he was well beyond percentiles for his age at the time. I did an amazing job of feeding him exclusively breast milk until 4 and a half months. I could have gone longer but he would have been hungry. Not because I didn’t have enough milk but because he needed more substance to his diet. And furthermore, what difference does it make? We are all just trying to do our best at feeding our babies. In the end, whether we are feeding them breast milk, formula, starting solids at 4 months or 6 etc who really gives a crap as long as they are thriving and we are doing our best as mother’s making the best choice we can given the needs of our babies. But still… I feel guilty. 
  • Sometimes I feel like I’m getting burned out. – Wow. I feel guilt on so many levels just mentioning that. There is the whole thing about how I am a mom after infertility. This is what I wanted. How dare I feel burnt out? I’m not feeling burnt out on motherhood. I just feel like I need about an hour a day where I’m not in charge. Just an hour. Tru can be here. He can even be in the same room. Just so long as I am not responsible for taking care of him at all. And naps and bedtime don’t count because I’m either cleaning, cooking or sleeping. And I know if he wakes up, I can’t have fresh nail polish all over my fingers or anything crazy like that. (Do mom’s even wear nail polish?) DH, bless his heart, does not know the first thing about babies. He tries, but he clearly just can’t figure it all out. I try to let him, I even try to make him figure things out himself. But he always comes to me with questions. “What do I feed him? How much? Where is it? Do I need to change his diaper? Does he need a nap? Where are his pjs? Where is his pacifier? I can’t find his wet wipes? He won’t stop crying…. ” And I’m like, “Forget it. I’m getting out of the tub. It’s easier to do it myself than answer 50 questions.” DH does help, I just always feel like I am supervising. I try to let DH fly solo with the baby but so far, the results are not good. But I feel guilty to even admit that I need an hour a day. Actually, even a half hour would probably work where I just know that if he needs something, it’s not my turn. 
  • I feel guilty for feeling frustrated when I don’t get enough sleep or when I get woken up all night. – It’s temporary. Tru will not always need me as much as he does now. He already doesn’t need me as much as he used to. But I feel guilty for the frustrated feelings I get when I am tired. I mean, mommy after infertility thing definitely coming into play again here. How can I feel frustration toward the little person that I wanted with all of my heart and begged God for? You know, the one that I swore I would never mind getting up with in the middle of the night? Yeah, that one. And the truth is, I don’t mind getting up with him in the night when he needs me. I just don’t like being too tired to properly take care of him. And I far more rather to get up with him in the night than not have him in my life. DUH! I still feel guilty though for being frustrated when I wake up for the day on 4 hours of sleep. Which is actually happening less and less as Tru gets older. But I fear sleep regressions!
  • I don’t get down on the floor and play with Tru as much as I perceive that other mothers do. – Another big one for me. I read a few mommy blogs right now and to hear some of them talk, one would be led to believe that they wake up in the morning and sit on the floor with their babies until bedtime playing, singing, reading books and having a grand ol’ time. All I can say is, they either have a maid and a cook or the most awesome hubs in the world. Tru does love it when I get on the floor and play with him so I try to do it often but it is nowhere near as often as I feel it should be. Oftentimes, if I see him being entertained on his own for 2 seconds, I try to sneak around behind his back and get stuff done. I mean, DH is pretty great but he can’t do it all! I still have to at least wash him some clean underpants and throw some random crap in a pan and heat it up to pretend I made supper. And occasionally I actually want to poop. Alone. 
  • AND… my house isn’t as clean as yours. Yep. Your house is cleaner than mine. I can almost guarantee it. I’m no Mrs. Clean here. I try to keep the floors and toilets clean. I definitely want the dishes done every day (right now they’re not and they won’t be because it’s almost midnight and I’m taking a minute to right this!). Dusting? If I get around to it. Laundry? I always think that I will throw in a load before bed. That happens frequently but I still am seldom caught up. Even if it is my favorite chore. And actually I like to clean pretty well. But when do you find the time? Between the dog thinking I’m going to take him for a walk and running in front of me every time I walk through the kitchen and Tru crawling back and forth crying trying to catch me and the dog… cleaning has become a hassle that is more trouble than it’s worth.
  • And I might as well add that I have a lot of wife guilt too. – It’s not mommy guilt but it’s all in the family. I don’t try to be hot anymore because I’m quite frankly in the mood for that romance stuff less often than I’m in mood to jump in a frozen river (thankfully DH doesn’t read my blog). Goodbye lingerie! 

So to conclude this boring pointless confessional, I am sure that I am not alone. (Please, tell me I’m not alone!) None of that stuff probably really matters. Right? Or does it? Most of it, I can’t change without wearing myself down even more and honestly right now I am worn to a thread. (It’s not because of the baby that I’m so exhausted though really. It’s more likely than not a severe B12 deficiency which I am trying to address. Thank you very much MTHFR for messing up my B vitamin absorption!) And most of it probably isn’t affecting Tru nearly as much as I convince myself it does. I guess I just haven’t learned to think of myself as a good mom. I always think of myself as a mom who is lagging behind. A wife who is lagging behind. A person who is lagging behind. And I don’t feel like I can fix it!