Archives for the month of: March, 2014

    I’m still scared of the dark. Not scared like I can’t sleep without a light on but more like I’m afraid a Boogy Man will grab my ankles and tickle me or something when I walk through a dark room. Even if the light was just on 2 minutes ago and I know for a fact that there are no Boogy Mans around since I already checked. (I still look behind the shower curtain now and then.) It sends a weird shiver through me. I’ve really got to grow up.

I would still love to hear your confessions! Join in anytime – You make me feel better about being my weird self. 🙂

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The hibiscus are in full bloom to prove it. 🙂

    Since I obviously failed miserably at 100 Happy Days, I thought it might be fun to start another challenge to fail. So how about 100 10 days to start with of me confessing random things about myself. We could just call it “How weird am I?” but we aren’t going to. Anyone care to join? I would love to read some random confessions from you all to make me feel less weird.
Shall we start? Ok.
I confess that DH and I call ourselves “Daddy and Mommy Doggy” when talking to our beagle, River. Yes. We do that. We also call Truett “Baby Doggy” and “your baby beagle brother”.

Ok, your turn. Go!

 I totally forgot to post this update! I don’t know what is happening with my brain lately….

      We had a pretty good week. Truett continues to roll around like a little pro. We had a fun night of almost zero sleep! That was a hoot. I officially hate full moons. I hung a couple heavy blankets in the windows to block out the light and that seemed to help. Baby is like mommy. We cant sleep in any amount of light. The funny thing is, Tru seems scared of the dark when I lay him down in a totally dark room. I have to leave a light on until he falls asleep and then turn it off for the rest of the night. Yesterday I felt like the postpartum hair loss had slowed down a bit but today I’m not so sure. Its very annoying. I keep waking up in the night with loose hair all over my face and it also wraps around my hands.

       I went shopping this week for clothes for Tru and got 17 pairs of pants and onesies at the thrift store for $22!! They look nice too. Not worn out at all. I felt pretty happy about that! He is in size 9-12 month pants and 9 month onesies, sleepers and shirts and size 3 diapers.

  DSCN1315     I thought about starting him on purees this month but now I think I will go ahead and hold off until a few days after 6 months for convenience sake. He’s doing fine with baby cereals once or twice a day right now. I’ve been mixing it with breastmilk to add a little nutritional value. There is no way I could have made him wait until 6 months to start feeding him any solids.This boy is big! He weighs only 2 pounds less than the one year old girl my mom and sisters babysit. He’s around 17.5 pounds as of 2 weeks ago. I still have somewhere around a thousand ounces of breastmilk in the freezer. (I lost count so I’m not exactly sure how much the final total was) I stopped pumping at the end of January. The not great thing though is that Tru refuses to drink the thawed milk because it tastes weird. I didn’t actually try it but I did smell it. It smells like dishwashing liquid/spit up. A quick google search revealed that my body makes excess lactase. From what I read, lactase is something that breaks down the fat in milk and some mothers make extra. Its not a bad thing at all except that it continues breaking down the fat even after the milk has been frozen and makes it smell/taste weird. The good news is that he still like it when it mixed in is cereals so even though hes not a fan of drinking it, we can still use it up. It wont hurt him any to eat or drink it and milk banks still accept it that way.

        I tried posting a password protected post. Maybe you guys can see it? Its not showing up in my reader. The gist of it is – I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant. How did I get pregnant anyways? If you want details, I can email you the password protected post. I just feel weird about putting it up there for all the world to see right now. I feel sad and a little guilty for not even knowing there was a baby in there.

      I don’t have a good way to end this post so I’m just going to end it with some pictures.

    

RSCN1192Tru with the petri dish that was once his home.
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Naptime in the crib.
DSCN1324River gets a little jealous of Tru having all the cool toys.
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I might have went couponing. Yep. All those items had a coupon. Success!! Saving money. 🙂

I just published a password protected post. I felt funny about having it out there floating around. If anyone wants the password, you can email me at mr.notesproductions at yahoo dot com. Just a word of warning though, this is a post about miscarriage and I wouldn’t recommend reading it if you are in the early stages of pregnancy or if you feel reading in detail about miscarriage might put you in a bad place.

      I’m going to preface this post by saying it is all about miscarriage. I wouldn’t recommend reading it in the early stages of pregnancy or if reading about miscarriage would put you in a bad place.

       I was late this month. I assumed that I was just having wonky cycles due to breastfeeding. For several nights ai kept dreaming I was pregnant. I didn’t actually think I was pregnant. We are ridiculously infertile! Statistically, based on DH’s sperm count alone we have less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. Add to that his 0-4% morphology and low motility, I fairly laugh in the face of anyone who asks if we are using birth control. Really? What would be the point? And of course, we can’t forget my MTHFR mutation. Anyway…. On Sunday evening I started my “period”. That’s all I had reason to believe it was. Aside from my pregnant dreams, I didn’t really feel pregnant. No nausea or anything. Just tired. But really, that’s to be expected when you’re up a lot with a 5 month old baby. Come Monday morning though, I lost an ity bity little baby. In shock I looked at it and I could see the tiny little head bent forward, a curved back down to the little “tail”, tiny arm buds, a very thin cord on the belly. Naturally, the thoughts running through my head were “How in the world did I get pregnant? How did I not know? If I had been on my lovenox, would it have lived? How did I get pregnant?”
Appearantly, its rather rare to actually see the baby if you pass one that early. Sac, and other
“products of conception” yes, but to actually see the very very very tiny baby is rare. If I had missed it, I would have just thought I was having a ridiculously heavy period. I feel sad and a little guilty now. How could I have not known a sweet baby was in there? I told DH that baby could have been as great as Tru. He replied that of course it would have been!
So, what are the odds of having another natural pregnancy if its already less than 1%? I’m only on baby asprin (permanently for the MTHFR) and obviously it wasn’t enough.

I thought this was funny. Hey, ya never know!

Plan Y

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Really? But the best version of me in my mind’s eye is kind of super pregnant and glowy. I’m fairly certain you can’t get pregnant by BELIEVING you are.

Can you?

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        Last week I went to my family doctor and got a prescription for Paxil. I decided I had enough of being depressed and anxious and I made the decision to get some mood enhancing medicine. I was afraid to start taking it during the week though so I waited for the weekend when DH was home to start it. The weekend came and I felt fine so I put off taking it longer. I still haven’t started it yet and I’m not sure if I will. I guess we will see how I do over the next few days/weeks. I think just having it there for me to take if necessary makes me feel a little better. I prayed about it too that I would get the right med for my problem.

       One thing that I think is key for me right now is getting lots of exercise. And I don’t mean the one thousand squats picking baby up off the floor all day. 😉 I have been taking walks outside getting fresh air and sunshine. The baby loves it, the dog loves and I love it so we all win. My SIL was talking to me about vitamin D deficiency and all the problems it can cause. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal. She is very deficient so she knows all about it. I have no idea why I would be seeing as I get quite a healthy dose of vitamin D in milk every day but she did mention that it could cause depression so I wonder…. we’ve all been so stuck inside all winter not getting any sunshine so it very well could be playing a part in my mood.

       Another thing that is extremely important for me right now is getting out. Going places. Shopping. (but not spending money) Visiting friends and family. I need to have times where its not just me and Tru at home alone. Those times are nice and I cherish them but at the same time, I really need to have adult time. Have people making over my baby. I cant just sit at home all the time regardless of the gas prices.

      So that’s pretty much it. I have Paxil if I need it. I have an appointment for a month from now to reevaluate. The dr said she has had lots of patients coming in lately feeling the way I do just from the winter blues. That made me feel better knowing that it might actually just be weather related and not solely a postpartum thing. Knowing that spring is around the corner and getting ready to start back up with my housecleaning jobs ect has already helped. Last week was a good week. I don’t want to “jinx” things but hopefully things will be all better now.

     I actually missed posting yesterday! I missed Tru’s 21 week update. So technically he is 22 weeks now, but I do have a few exciting out takes from week 21.
       Tru rolled over this week! I immediately whipped out the baby book to write it down and realized I missed a bunch of other firsts and updates which left me searching my blog posts looking for that information. I felt a tad guilty for not having any real concrete date or even week for many things like “first laugh”. Seriously? I have no clue! He laughed in his sleep from day 1 but actually I have no clue about his first laugh. Its just like he always knew how. I don’t know. Anyway, I digress. First Tru rolled from belly to back in the afternoon while we were playing on the floor. Then in the evening, while DH and I were sitting on the floor, both of us within 6 inches of him waiting and watching for another roll over, we looked up for like 1 second (!!!) and he had rolled from back to belly. This was on the 4th I think. He rolled over several times that day and once today. But today he had a bit of help since he wasn’t on a totally flat surface. Anyhow, it was exciting!! Can’t you tell? 😉
      So, we continue to wake up at anywhere from 4:30am to 6:30am for a booby but mostly to play. And play and play…. sometimes up to 2 hours of listening to Tru blow bubbles and grab his toes. Its cute. I admit it. I try to sleep through it sometimes sort of but the last week, I’ve been putting him in my bed laying in his boppy pillow so he can’t roll and he’s kind of in his own environment and letting him sleep in our bed. Its a real hit with him but it scares me. I’m really not big on co sleeping even at his age. It makes me so nervous! He just simply won’t sleep in his bed though after he wakes up even at 4:30am. Sure, he drifts off but its no time before he’s blowing bubbles or crying. He needs his sleep as do I.
         He’s a big eater on some days with his rice and oatmeal cereals but other days he’s done after a few bites. Most days he’s just eating it once around 3pm with the very occasional evening snack.
        His favorite toys are the little interconnecting rings. He could play with them all day. He loves his playmat and a little music toy my mom gave him. His best friend is his wubanub. He doesn’t suck the binky as much as he plays with its ears and holds it. He likes our real dog too! He grabs his ears now. The wubanub and our beagle River do look similar. 😉 The dog remains skeptical borderlining on scared of the baby.
       Picture time!

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He still sucks his thumb but only when he’s asleep.

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I had to add this. We bought our Christmas trees from this farm when I was a kid. I feel old seeing how huge these trees are now!

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My baldness. It continues. This is less than a week after the first picture. My gyno is sending me for a thyroid check because appearantly, postpartum thyroiditis is a thing and it can make you bald or some such nonsense. I hate it, however on the bright side, the wind on my scalp is oddly invigorating! I just hope it doesn’t get any more invigorating!! I’m ready to stop shedding and start regrowing!

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He’s less of a gross note to end on. My Riverdog.

Dear God, thank You for all the new things Truett is learning and all the fun things we can do now. I pray that he will continue to grow well and keep learning. Please keep him healthy and safe. In Jesus’ name, amen.

I know exactly what this feels like. Everytime I post Tru’s picture online I always think of my IF friends.

Spite or Flight

One of the things I struggled with during my pregnancy — besides all the normal weird pregnancy things — was how, and when, to talk about it.

After years of fertility treatments and repeat pregnancy loss, there was nothing more frustrating and saddening than the constant stream of pregnancy announcements on Facebook.

Sure, some people I was genuinely happy for — I knew some of them had struggled to get, or stay, pregnant.

But most of them? Like 99.9% of them?

Yeah, they could suck it.

I dealt with it by removing almost all of those people from my newsfeed. The majority of them were people I haven’t seen since high school, so after a while I didn’t even remember them. Hell, I don’t even know what those kids look like (some of them are probably three by now) and I don’t really care.

So when it was my turn?…

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