Disclaimer #1 – this post talks a lot about periods and women crap.
Disclaimer #2 – I think this post could be a trigger for women who haven’t had their baby yet. So read at your own risk or just skip.
   I spoke too soon about my cycles returning regularly. I really thought I was starting again 29 days after the first post pardum cycle. But then I didn’t start. And I didn’t. And I didn’t. Not for a whole week later. Finally on CD 37 I think, that stupid thought started nagging at my mind like you wouldn’t believe. Ok. Yes you would believe. First, to be clear, I really want another baby… someday. I wasn’t getting my hopes up because I’m already ready to get pregnant again. Because I’m not. Those stupid thoughts creep in though. “How crazy would it be if I actually got pregnant naturally after all that work doing IVF. That would be crazy huh?!” And then common sense returns for a moment. “I probably didn’t ovulate. I’m not taking blood thinner. For all I know, DH has 0 swimmers by now and first and foremost, I’m not ready to be pregnant again yet. My csec scar still hurts! I wouldn’t be able to get on the floor with Tru while he’s learning to crawl. I would have to wean him because I wouldn’t make my body feed him and another baby.” Then stupid starts up again. “Yeah, but I really want another baby someday and it would be awesome if we could have a baby of our own without having to use IVF. I mean think how cool that would be?!

    Stupid me won. I peed on .88 cents. Small price to pay for a candy bar. But waste of money for one pink line. Its not even like I was really disappointed because the rational me realized it was for the best. And that my body – and my mind are just not able to do pregnancy again just yet. I still need time to enjoy Tru. I’m just not ready yet. – Not that I wouldn’t gladly have accepted another baby in the blink of an eye! I’m only mad that I tested. That I started that stupidness up again. That I’m back on the Stupid Train, headed for Negative Town. Its like I reset the standard and now I will feel broken and negative again. I shouldn’t have done it. I really shouldn’t have.
 
      Oh yeah. My body loves to mess with me. Less than 24 hours later, Aunt Flo showed up. She was like: “Haha! Tricked ya didn’t I?! Well take this!

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